By Ben Mason
A journeyman poet once wrote that any nation around the world that offends the U.S., or, God forbid, attacks us, will “be sorry that [he] messed with The U.S. of A. ‘Cause we’ll put a boot in your ass: it’s the American way.”
But aside from being aggressively protective of its citizens, there are a ton of other ways in which America is awesome. I’d like to take some time out and remind readers about just some of the reasons why it’s a blessing to live in a place like this.
1. Diet: I’m not sure if you know this or not, but in some places, people barely have enough to eat. Sometimes people in what are called “Third World countries” can’t rummage enough food to make even an appetizer and main course for their families. One of the reasons I love being an American is that here, we can eat all we want. My friend, Dan Sause, and I can go to Applebee’s, grab an appetizer and entrée for both of us for around $20, and add a dessert for around $5 more. If two guys tossing back steaks wrapped in bacon and ice cream cake for dessert isn’t American, I’m honestly not sure what is. Liposuction works on cholesterol too, right?
2. Travel: Ever walked to work? I mean, I’ve walked from class to the publication house before, but to get from where I live to say, Rock Hall, would be a real pain if I had to go by foot alone. Even biking is hard work. And can you imagine me taking public transportation? I don’t think I could manage riding a bus with 60 or so other people, much less riding atop a train. But here in the U.S., I can buy a car that literally gargles and spits gasoline. Beyond that, I feel good about my auto if it gets over 20 mpg: that’s fuel efficient! The drawback? Well, some tree in Brazil might not like it, but until the rain forest gets itself organized and rises up, I’ll see you in the fast lane.
3. Health Care: Ask me if I’d like a Canadian-style health care bill to be passed by our Congress. The answer is no, although I respond with “No” to most things Canadian. Seriously though, that continental hat of ours is awful.Canadian doctors (and all other kinds of doctors, for that matter) travel to our country to escape low wages and long work weeks. Here in the U.S., I can get the best care in the world, at a decent rate. I’ve heard that some people can’t afford it, but I’m sure that’s just a myth.
4. Institutions: No, not loony bins. I’m talking about things like state and federal roads, parks, and bathrooms. Ever driven on dirt roads before? It’ll do a number on any Corvette or Porsche, that’s for sure. But not here sir, not in the U.S.A. We’ve got paved roads, safe bridges and clean running water. Hell, my daddy and mommy pay so much in taxes; we should have government sponsored servants cleaning our bathrooms.
This might be the most important point, actually. Here in America, the class system is firmly in place. Sure, some wild Hollywood types get out of control and need some jail time here and there: but liberals have never been able to handle their liquor (or cocaine). Things work out here as they should, with the right people in mind. Congress has been paid for (with strippers or cash, depending), and government contracts get doled out to those with the best prices (as in, whoever’s willing to give the biggest kick-back). I’m not sure what the Marine recruiter was doing here (looking for officers?), but shouldn’t he be in the inner cities of our great nation, looking for the destitute and downtrodden? That’s what people without the required pecuniary power are supposed to do: serve the rest of us. And if you’ve got any other examples of how our country stands out above the rest, feel free to write a letter. Just leave out the part where we don’t score as number one in any scholastic tests or on the human development scale: the liberals and conservatives from around the world rigged both those competitions.