Disclaimer: These stories are from The Elm’s April Fools edition, all are fictional and parody.
By Weida
Staff Cake Boss
The LFC has decided to remove all of the treadmills from the building due to a running accident at the beginning of the winter semester. Star athlete Gabrielle Devaud was thrown from one of the treadmills while attempting to do an off-season sprint work out.
Devaud suffered from severe knee and elbow abrasions as well as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
“I can’t even look at a treadmill without getting the heebee jeebies” says Devaud. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to run on one again.”
Luckily, no one else was seriously injured in the accident; however, coaches were forced to alter their off-season workouts to allow the athletes to continue with their training.
Although this is the first time an incident like this has been reported, many other people have expressed their concern in regards to how dangerous the treadmills seem to be.
“A few times I have tried to jump on to run and have lost my balance. I’ve never fallen though,” says Kelsey Newborn.
In attempt to protect the rest of the student body from these terrible machines, the LFC has decided to have them removed. Instead, they will be replaced with 12 elliptical machines, conveniently equipped with Amazon.Com Kindles, loaded and constantly updated with the latest issues of Cosmo and Men’s Health.
Fortunately for Devaud, the soccer team has all rallied around this incident and are offering Devaud plenty of support. “The team has been infinitely important to my recovery.”
April 1, 2011
Volume LXXXI Issue 20