Disclaimer: These stories are from The Elm’s April Fools edition, all are fictional and parody.
By Broski PoppedColla
Elm Bro
Dude, dude bro, let me tell you brews about my favorite brew. This isn’t messing material, a drink for a bro is the most chay beverage out there. Old ladies love it, it’s a dude bonding fluid, DUDE let me tell you about my Natty Boh.
I’m a Baltimore bro, and I consider Natty Boh my second cousin. It helps out my homies in the economic times, dolla dolla bills ya’ll, and all that pumping monies gives my Baltimore its light at night.
It’s the golden rivers flowing straight from beer pong tables worldwide! The salty yack piss-colored liquid is a bro’s dream. Here’s my philosophizing: the more like yack piss it looks, the better it tastes. I prefer my Boh after its fermented in a gutter for a week, or in bro time, five days. The very mustached macho mothatf**** to ever grace the shiny aluminum of beer cans is the man I inspire to be. His character just comes right off the can. One sip is like buying another pink polo, collar popped fresh, looking real fly.
I don’t get how the ladies can drink the cosmopolitan martina mcbrides (she’s my favorite musician dude, such a melodious voice of our great Midwest…sorry Carrie Underwood), those drinks are the bright pink color of my favorite toothpaste, Barney’s Plaque Fighter. Not that I don’t like scrubbing my pearly whites morning and night with my magenta fluoride, but on a Friday night I prefer my yack piss with extra foam than any pink panty dropper.
It’s not just the mustard color and velvety foam that bros dig, but its cool and slow buzz. The ladies like to drink their fluorescent pink martina mcbrides so they can sway in their heels being only one drink deep. Bros don’t sway, we lean back and sip it slow. Simple as that. And Natty Boh lets the sipping take its time. As my idol Reba McIntire has said, I’m a survivor. Not only do I survive, I thrive. Thrive in every sweaty and cramped dorm party that college has to offer. And survivors drink Natty Boh. Pass me a wet one.
VS
By Tiffani Cristal
Elm Senior Girl Correspondent
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god totally its like totally a nooooooooooooooooooo brainer. Well first of all, let me say that anything like with fruit and stuff in it is totally awesome! Like if its pink and fun and it makes me feel like totally dancing with my gurls than consider me in love!!!!! Lol, I was just thinking like about this one time that like me and my gurrrrlls were totally dancing on the bar and Sandy said like something soooo totally hilarious and we were all like ROTFL hehe!
Anyway back to what drinks you should totally stock your mini fridge with before any Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday night. Well first off you’ve got to have some Smirnoff Ice!! You girls know what I’m talking about right!! Nothing gets me slizzared quite like dat Ice, its just soooo yummy! If its pink and sweet then I love it and I am totally the first on da dance floor. I can drink Ice’s so fast I can’t even keep count!
Another one of me and the gurls favorites is Seagrams Passionate Kiss!! First of all isn’t that like the like sweetest name ever? I know right! Its so cuteeeee and omg when I’m smashed I giggle about it like non-stop! One must for every girl drink is that it doesn’t taste like alcohol like at all!! Just give me something in a red solo cup that tastes like pink purpeley sunshine and rainbows and I am good for the night!!!! I mean come on girls just want to have fun! Am I right ladies?? LOL! Like totally gurlss! OHHHHH MY God you guys I have to tell you about this time when me and the gurls went to Plaza and we ordered pitchers of Margaritas! Ohh and Plaza’s margaritas are like the best and we got totally silly drunk and Cindy totally put like a napkin on her head and it was like SOOOO FUNNY OMG I am laughing so hard just thinking about it.
Sooo…ummm…ohh yeah drinks!! Well I like don’t know what else to sayyy LOL! You gurls know what’s good! What ever gets you out there on the floor with your girls! I’ll totally see you out sometime at the bar and don’t forget to party hard WAC! Peace and luvvvvvv ;)!!!! XOXO
April 1, 2011
Volume LXXXI Issue 20