Disclaimer: These stories are from The Elm’s April Fools edition, all are fictional and parody.
I told myself I was going to find a really awesome internship for the summer, something that would give me experience in my field of interest and look good when shopping the job market in the future. Sadly, I waited way too long and am now stuck with the bottom of the barrel. In case anyone else is still looking, I’ve decide to share some of my findings here:
1.) Winning:
Sheen Press Office is looking for under grad and graduate students for the summer of 2011 who are interested in the areas of Publicity, PR, Marketing, Graphic Design, Tiger’s Blood, Partying, Winning, Density, and Sketchy Vegas nightlife. Students will be placed in areas most appropriate for their interests. No prior experience in anything required. In fact, no proof of college, university, or graduate program is required. A student wanting to apply should have a good health plan, and a desire to win. Students wanting to apply should email Sheen Press Office at: sheenpressofficewinning@aol.com.
2.) I’ll let you finish:
Kanye West-yes the Kanye West is looking for a college student to follow him around and remind him of how awesome he is and how much better he is than everyone else. The intern’s responsibilities will include handling Kanye’s twitter account, explaining the motivation behind his blunt statements, and protecting him from Taylor Swift fans that just can’t let it go. This student should be interested in the areas of Music, PR, Publicity, and Jerk. To apply, message his personal twitter with the opening word intern.
3.) Perez Hilton:
Seeking college students for any season who can take a punch for horrible things he’s said about celebrities and political figures. Must love Katy Perry and Lady Gaga. Must hate Kanye West and people who dislike Katy Perry. Needs cyber bullying experience. Looking for students interested in the areas of Photography, Writing mean things on photos, Blogging, Journalism, Wearing Loud Suites to events, and obnoxious hair color.
4.) The “Reality” Show:
MTV is seeking college-aged students to film a reality show. The show’s premise will be about a student who drops out of college and tries to make it traveling through various cities only to end up a socialite. A student interested in this for the summer of 2011 must be experienced in acting, partying, lying about reality shows, and wearing skinny jeans. The fact that the entire series is being filmed and wrapped up in a single summer does not relect the “low” production value. The story is still “real.” Students shouldn’t mention that the show was filmed and finished the show quickly, just to be on the safe side. To apply, download an application on MTV’s website in the tab under summer oppurtunities.
5.) Circuses are not a thing of the past:
A failing circus is seeking courageous college interns for the summer. Students should have an interest in the performing arts, business management, and enjoy traveling. The tasks the interns will be responsible for are as follows: cutting the nails of Tigers, bathing the Elephants, unwinding the contortionists, boosting the self-esteem of the freaks, and keeping the ring master’s schedule in order. The inter will be required to travel with the circus acts. A small stipend will be rewarded. That amount is still being determined. To apply memail us at: crazycircus@yahoo.com
6.) International toilet inspector:
Travel Network is creating a new segment titled the greatest place I’ve ever taken a you know what. They need college students to go and investigate the worst places to use the bathroom publicly so the show organizers can defer the difference between the really good and the really bad accurately. This is an unpaid internship, but all traveling expenses will be taken care of.
7.) Jersey Shore historian:
MTV’s hit show The Jersey Shore goes under a lot of scrutiny about how real the events are that happen. So MTV has decided to hire a college intern to become the official Jersey Shore Historian. This person will live in the house and their sole purpose will be to document] everything that happens during the summer in the shore house. Every fight, to every bad movie reference must be documented. This student picked for the job will receive a weekly pay. Students interested should have an interest in history, sociology, and must be up to date on their tetnus vaccine.
8.) Drunk texter for Ke$ha:
Seeking college students to accompany the singer songwriter Ke$ha to parties as her personaltext messenger. Students looking to apply should be interested in music, public relations, technology, and glitter. Students will receive a stipend that consist of a glitter gun, glitter for the gun, gum, boots, and a bottle of jack.
April 1, 2011
Volume LXXXI Issue 20