By Amanda Whitaker
Lifestyle Editor
So they remade “Footloose.” Not sure why, but yes, that happened. I’m also not sure why I drove to the Chester 5 last Friday night, bought a ticket, and remained in the theater for the 113-minute duration of what director Craig Brewer claims to be a movie, but that happened too. Alas.
So what is wrong with the “Footloose” remake, starring dancer-turned-sort-of-actor Kenny Wormald and dancer-turned-sort-of-actress Julianne Hough? I would like to pose a better question: What is right?
Well, Wormald doesn’t butcher his character, Ren MacCormack’s Boston accent. That was a bit surprising. But don’t think I’m giving him credit, because not only is the guy actually from Boston, according to his Imdb.com page, he also didn’t really nail the accent. It’s as if he was acting like he was acting rather than just acting. (In fact, that’s pretty much how I would describe any attempt at acting in this movie.)
Don’t expect me to give him credit for any dance moves either. Oh, yes, he cuts loose, but I found myself confused, never quite sure if he did a good job or not because whatever five-year-old they put in the editing booth never stayed on any dancer for more than a millisecond or two.
And don’t expect any credit for Hough, who isn’t a mess of an overactor like Lori Singer,the original Ariel from the 1984 version, but also doesn’t refrain from becoming a mess of an underactor. As far as roles go, I would imagine the promiscuous preacher’s daughter isn’t too hard of a task: throw on a low-cut shirt (or throw it off, for that matter), look pretty, and pout during the church scenes. Hough accomplishes this, but that’s about it. Not much going on there. At all.
As far as keeping to the original, Footloose also accomplishes this feat, but takes homage a bit too far. The setting is present day, but the only clue I had of this was an occasional product-placement hooded sweatshirt or an ever-present iPod. The beloved original soundtrack remains, but there are no new classics. The leads wear the same outfits to the dance. Even Ren’s car is exactly the same.
The iconic angst-ridden solo dance scene from the original is also kept and given an “update,” but I’m not sure what exactly they were trying to say with said update. I can only describe the “dance” as, well, awkward. It was as if the director was like, “Just act, you know, angry and stuff,” and just left it at that. Wormald wasn’t so much angrily dancing as he was dispassionately grunting and thrusting. I’m sorry, but doesn’t this guy’s resumé say dancer? I left the movie more concerned with my suspicions that Wormald had stolen some poor Bostonian dancer’s identity than with anything I saw in the movie.
Another clumsy attempt at updating can be found in the scene that modernizes the game of chicken that Ren and Ariel’s jerky boyfriend dangerously play on tractors. The 2011 version of this game? Racing schoolbuses. That’s right. But really, that’s quite wrong. Rebellious teenagers do a lot of things, but they don’t race schoolbuses. Why? Because that’s lame. I figured they would drop the use of tractors for a more edgy vibe. But using schoolbuses in replacement? Edginess gone. Enter more confusion.
Speaking of awkward and clumsy, the dialogue in this movie was absolutely awful. Downright laughable, in fact. Despite the fact that the setting was present day, 99 percent of the original dialogue was kept. The other one percent seemed to exist only to throw plot in the audience’s face. With new lines such as “We got laws up the poopchute ‘round here,” and “Is it illegal to bang the preacher’s daughter?” they may as well have just stamped “Sexual Tension” on every character’s forehead. It only makes one wish for 100 percent of the original dialogue.
Or better yet, 100 percent of the original movie. Let’s just forget the whole remake thing and show a screening of the 1984 “Footloose.” I mean, let’s be honest with ourselves here: a dancing ban? They could pull it off in the 80s, but in 2011? The premise in itself is absurd. The sad attempt at execution is just the icing on the wasted money cake.
So what did I decide to do Saturday night? I watched the original “Footloose.” Sure, it’s cheesy. But it’s also charming. Take notes, person who plans to remake “Dirty Dancing.”