News at a Glance

By Sarah Masker
Elm Staff Writer

1.) Governments ban names like Lucifer, Metallica, and @ all the time, but obviously someone was slacking the day Jeffrey Drew Wilschke of Wisconsin changed his name to Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop. The 30-year-old man—let’s call him Bop—was recently arrested after excessive drinking and drug use in a public park. He is currently charged with carrying a concealed knife, and possession of drug paraphernalia and marijuana. Who wants to bet he was high when he changed his name?

2.) So why did the turtle cross the road? Scorch, a box turtle from Colorado, never made it across the road – instead, he was hit by a car and chewed by dogs before being rescued by a police officer. The turtle was brought to veterinarian Kevin Fitzgerald, who created a fiberglass shell that will eventually fall off as Scorch develops a new shell of his own. Scorch now lives with a teenager and a whole household of other needy pets, and Fitzgerald says he could live to be 60. Who says there’s no such thing as happy endings?

3.) It would be a sad day for sleepyheads everywhere if Michael Williams of Louisiana gets his new law approved. Currently, Williams is pushing an ordinance that would prohibit anyone from wearing pajama pants in public. He argues that “pajamas are designed to be worn in the bedroom at night….Today it’s pajamas. Tomorrow it’s underwear. Where does it stop?” Of course, as with any other law, the public is speaking out in opposition. Many argue that America is a free country and they can wear what they want. Furthermore, the approval of the no-PJ law could cause some heated discussion regarding what constitutes pajamas. Oh, the issues.

4.) So my former high school’s mascot can be the Trojans, who boast, “We don’t break under pressure,” but parents in Utah complain about the Cougars? A new school, Corner Canyon High, polled students on what the school’s team name and mascot should be; although 23% voted for Cougars, parents voiced numerous complaints. Thanks to the negative double entendre of the word “cougar,” the school is now home to the Corner Canyon Chargers. Just don’t let Courtney Cox make a TV show about chargers, or there might be more issues.

5.) Parking meters are commonplace in the USA, but Bonn, Germany, is the first city to implement “sex meters.” These curbside pay stations require prostitutes to purchase tickets in order to work the streets at night; last year, Bonn collected around $20,000. The meters charge a flat nightly rate of $8.65 for the right to solicit clients on the street between 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. The city also constructed “consummation areas” near the machines where customers can park their cars and have sex. Wanna kick it in the backseat?

6.) YouTube is overflowing with videos of individuals just looking for a bit of publicity, and when Chadil Deffy married his dead girlfriend and posted the video, he joined that ever-growing group of people doing weird things for the world to see. He also put photos of himself and his dead bride, Sarinya “Anne” Kamsook, on his Facebook page under an album titled “Corpse Bride.” The couple met ten years ago at Eastern Asia University and had been planning to get married, but Kamsook died in a car accident in early January. So, is Deffy a heartbroken romantic or simply publicity hungry? The jury’s still out on that one.

7.) In a very Shakespearean move, Brazilian politician Talvana de Albuquerque ordered four men to kill congresswoman Ceci Cunha in 1998 so that he could take her seat in the Chamber of Deputies. Albuquerque has now been sentenced to 103 years in prison for the murder of Cunha, her husband, and two of her relatives. The men who completed the murders have been sentenced to jail terms ranging from 75 to 105 years…and this is why blindly following orders is very, very bad.

8.) Four couples in London spent more than 24 hours in an embrace in an effort to seize the Guinness World Record for the longest hug. Couples were given a five-minute break each hour for 24 hours and 44 minutes in order to beat the former record. The event, which took place on January 19, was part of World Record London’s campaign to earn as many world records as possible before the 2012 Summer Olympics in London.

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