By Natty Bo
Elm Tribe Chief
Rumors have swirled for years about the existence of a troll in the Toll Science Center. But popular suspicion was confirmed this Thursday when a confused English major wandered into the building on his way back from the Fish Whistle and discovered an entire colony of them in the atrium huddled around science textbooks.
According to legend, the Toll Troll was once a sad bio student with no life who never left the science center. He spent so long hunched over their notes and forsaking sunlight, he developed a hunchback, his skin wrinkled and could only speak in science jargon. Unable to be understood by anyone but biology majors, the student suffered a breakdown and has wandered the halls of Toll ever since.
This information has long been common knowledge, but this recent discovery has shed light on just how often such a degeneration happens.
“It happens more often than people think,” said Assistant Professor of Biology Aaron Krochmal. “There’s usually about two or three students in each class where you can just see the dissent. We see it as a form of natural selection, nature’s way of weeding out the weak.”
But could these trolls be dangerous?
“As far as we know, they’re friendly,” said Director of Public Safety Jerry Roderick. “And pose no threat to the surrounding community. I think the main lesson here should be compassion and understanding. They don’t have social lives the way the rest of us do.”
No need to be alarmed, it seems, though the jury is still out on what exactly these trolls eat.
“Freshmen probably. No one important,” said Krochmal.
But despite concerns of whether these creatures are cannibalistic, this new discovery has been met with feelings of acceptance and compassion from the overall campus community.
“I’m just glad they found more than one. At least now, they have each other,” said junior Elise Turner.
Turner lost her roommate freshman year to Toll Troll Syndrome.
“I mean, it was sad. But I never saw her and she didn’t really have a personality, so I got over it.”
Director of Health Services Dawn Nordoff cautioned students that they need to watch out for signs that they or their friends are developing Toll Troll syndrome.
“Pale skin, loss of social skills, hunch back, general surliness, dark circles around your eyes from looking in a microscope and no sleep. All of these are pretty common symptoms,” said Nordoff.
In how to help a friend you may suspect of having Toll Troll Syndrome, the general consensus seems to be simple: Get them out of Toll.
“I would say take them out to the bar and force them to be in a social situation, but I don’t think they could handle it,” said Nordoff.
One thing’s for certain though: There are Toll Trolls at Washington College and they are here to stay.