February Is Not a Month and It’s Hard to Spell

By Lord Shanakill
Writer With Absurd Name

In our modern-day world of fast-paced production and decision making, our society has collectively reached a point in which the time of the day can no longer keep up with the speed at which we expect to accomplish our daily tasks. The modern human being expects to achieve the fruition of his or her work in a time-frame of five minutes ago, and every instance of not being done is essentially failure.

These expectations and beliefs are not too extreme in our modern era, as most children nowadays are already born with hair and the ability to type 172 words per minute. We are quickly becoming a super-efficient society. At first glance, this seems like a good thing. However, to every issue there is a dark side, and this time there are no cookies.

As a result of this new inborn efficiency of society, reality is now slacking on the job. With the limited span of 24 hours per day, we no longer have time to get anything done. People can barely present a well-thought-out argument as is, let alone listen to others speak.

We have to settle with expecting another person to realize how wrong he or she is on their own. Most of us don’t even have time to consider how stupid what we’re doing is and have to go ahead and do it. It’s the unfortunate result of a society that doesn’t have time for anything ever.

It’s high time this was dealt with. Much of our time could be saved if we simply got rid of parts of the year that are, frankly, big time-wasters. Like the month of February.

I mean seriously, why do we still bother keeping that month on the calendar? What happens in February that anyone even remotely cares about? Groundhog Day? That just extends winter and makes us wait longer.

Presidents’ Day? I’m sorry, but people who are only mentioned briefly are not worth celebrating because we obviously don’t care enough to talk about them year round.

I mean really, February is already short as is. Would it be that difficult to get rid of the rest of it? It’s a pain to even take the time to think about February, and every second we do is another second of its miserable existence.

We should probably get rid of seconds too, since there are so many of them in an hour and we have to go through every. Single. One.

In fact, I say it’s high time we sheared away at the more pointless parts of the year in general so that we can get to the actual dates we care about quicker. It seems perfectly reasonable to me to take Christmas, New Year’s Eve, and Martin Luther King Jr. Day, cut out the rest of the calendar, and call those three days the year starting in 2013. Those are the only things that any of us care about.

Try and disagree with me, I dare you.

I mean, why would you be upset about losing the rest of the year? What, you care about your birthday? Losing that is a good thing my friend. Think about it. You no longer age. You can’t grow old, and as a result, you cannot run out of time. That means living forever, and that’s awesome.

This is only the first step in the process of getting us more time. Once we’ve removed distance, height, and all of you from the equation, then all my problems are solved. It won’t take forever to climb stairs, to drive to Philadelphia from here, and I certainly won’t have to waste time wondering if saying that we should get rid of February was really screwed up.

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