By James Cameron’s Mom
The Only Person Willing
Undoubtedly the most accurate historical drama of this or any age, “Titanic” sets sail for another unforgettable journey across sea and cinema. Director James Cameron re-releases his movie just in time to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the event that has arguably become the most lucrative of this century.
Cameron, of course, is no stranger to exploiting socially sensitive issues for profit with such blockbuster hits as “Aliens,” his controversial commentary on border control, and “Avatar: the Last Windbreaker.” Historians near, far, wherever they are, believe that the art of James Cameron should go on and on.
Of course, the 15 years since “Titanic’s” original voyage into movie theaters has given Cameron a little bit of time to revamp his movie. The re-release of “Titanic” is more than just a money-earning monument to the ill-fated ship. This time, Cameron is offering us the chance to sail across the sea in not 1D, not 2D, but 3D. No matter first-class or below-deck, viewers will now experience the thrilling cinematography of Kate Winslet as never before.
“I think that those people who pay to see “Titanic” in 3D will notice a few changes,” Cameron stated at a press conference on Pandora. “The ending for one… after reviewing the original film, and extensive research, I realized that Jack probably could have fit on the raft. So I address that issue…”
Though Winslet opted out of filming a cameo as a now middle-aged Rose DeWitt Bukater, she did have some influence on the newest edition of “Titanic.” After memorably mentioning her hatred of Celine Dion’s single, Winslet requested that Cameron alter the soundtrack.
“Kate brought up a great point,” Cameron told anyone who would listen, “I want to connect with today’s young people, because they’re the ones who will pay to see my movie in 3D. So I felt I needed to incorporate music from today’s pop scene. I’ve replaced Celine Dion’s song, uh whatchamacallit, with “You Belong With Me.” I find that T-Swift really captures the essence of melodramatic love.”
Without a doubt, Cameron. However, boat captains everywhere will weep to discover that Jack’s famous “I’m king of the world!” does not occur in the newest “Titanic.” An inside source disclosed that Leonardo DeCaprio found the line politically incorrect and wisely asked for its omission this time around.
Not to worry, though, because Cameron sidesteps any further possibilities of social impropriety aboard the ship. Cameron has transformed the “Titanic” from just an unsinkable ship that sinks to an unsinkable ship that sinks and also runs on eco-friend bio-fuel.
Though we are unsure how Cameron will explain Captain Smith’s inability to see a three-dimensional iceberg, we are positive that the director’s money-making scheme won’t sink quite so quickly as the RMS Titanic.