Letter To The Editor: The Hero Maryland Does Not Deserve

Dear Editors,

I’m sending this letter to every newspaper all over the world, so don’t feel special. I can do that, because I’m the god !@#$ Batman, and you guys? You guys are just are a bunch of &#@!ing &@#)! bags. The purpose of this letter is simple. I’d like to address a recent bit of news, one regarding a certain ticket given to a man for driving without proper plates. And do you know what those “improper” plates said?

B-A-T-M-A-N.

SO WHAT THE $#%@ IS UP WITH THAT, Maryland?! Seriously, who pulls over the Caped Crusader?!

I got places to be, people! I got a whole freaking city to protect, okay? And not just a city, a whole nation. For your information, I was driving to the White House to take a meeting with President Barack Obama regarding a threat the Joker recently issued. He claimed he was dumping radioactive isotopes into the Washington, D.C. water supply, and I was going to stop him, but you guys really $#@!ed that up, didn’t you? Well, I hope you all enjoy your CANCER, courtesy of the Maryland State Police Department.

And for the record, they never would’ve been able to catch me if Mr. Freeze hadn’t completely wrecked the nitrous tanks when I was fighting him earlier. I mean, I pulled over, but I didn’t have to. I was just being polite. Look, I don’t know how you guys do things there, but in Gotham, when people see a license plate that says Batman, they don’t try to pull it over, they freaking GET OUT OF THE WAY.

I am the Dark Knight, understand? I am vengeance, etc, etc, and I could have disabled those cops 50 different ways before they even got out of their cars, except that I’d pulled my shoulder while escaping the Riddler’s death trap, and I’d forgotten my spare Batarangs. It’s not like I don’t respect the law, I mean, Jim Gordon’s a pal, but sheesh, can’t you tell when a superhero is in a hurry? This is just embarrassing for you, Maryland. This just reflects poorly on you.

At the end of the day, I’m still the god $#%@ Batman. And I’m not paying your #$%!-ing ticket.

Sincerely,
Batman
(Definitely not President Reiss)

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