Pyongyang Is Ready for Sophie Kerr Ceremony

By Chris “Not a Spider” Cronin
Elm Staff Spider

PYONGYANG, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea- In one of the most impressive diplomatic coups in recent history, expert negotiator President Mitchell Reiss was able to make good on his promise to hold the annual awards ceremony for the Sophie Kerr prize in North Korea.

The ceremony will be held in the capital city of the inclusive nation, Pyongyang, and will be a much larger affair than previous events. Early reports suggest that there will be plenty of fun-filled events, including a military parade, a mass dancing show, patriotic songs, and the public flogging of subversives.

In a public statement, Minister for Culture, the Arts and Propaganda Jeong Oh-Ji voiced his appreciation: “We are very thankful to the Washington College for allowing us to hold this prestigious event. It is a well-known fact that our Supreme and Fearless Leader Kim Jong-Eun is an avid reader of English literature, and speaks fluent English, as well as flawless Farsi, Japanese, Chinese, Thai, Spanish, Icelandic and the holy language of stones.”

The five Washington College students who have been nominated for the prize are also eagerly anticipating the event. In a previously recorded video address, senior John Rempert could barely contain his enthusiasm.

“We have been well-treated,” he said, “and we have had many opportunities to study patriotic literature and learn about the glorious accomplishments of the Dear Leader Kim Jong-Eun. We only hope that through our example, our fellow students and countrymen will learn to abandon their capitalist and decadent ways.”

The finalists are being escorted by student representative Christopher Kim, who wanted Elm readers to know that he is from South Korea, not North Korea, and yes, they are in fact not the same country, that there is a large minefield between the two countries, and that they are in no way like “quarreling brothers.” He must be having a great time, because I haven’t seen him since we arrived.

The Elm was able to sit down with one of the other finalists, senior Martin Schmidt, in an exclusive interview at one of the North Korean Government’s luxurious guest resorts.

“Everything’s going great over here,” said Schmidt. “We can’t wait to hold the ceremony. Everyone has really been looking forward to it. The government has been incredibly kind to us. We’ve been able to attend a number of media events, and they even provided a script in case we weren’t sure how to answer questions.”

There was even time for fun. When I asked Schmidt about the bruises on his face, he bashfully mumbled that it had been a rugby accident, a single bead of sweat slowly falling down his forehead as our government friend looked on. Who knew that there were so many incredible sports opportunities in North Korea?

But despite the idyllic setting, Schmidt admitted that he was nervous. When our government friend had briefly left the room, Schmidt grabbed my hands and pleaded with me to “get me the hell out of here.” Thankfully, The Elm staffers are well-trained in helping nervous students, and I promptly asked our government friend to help Schmidt to assuage his nerves.

Overall, I am greatly enjoying my time in North Korea. I am alive, and am staying entirely out of my own volition. I am developing the deepest admiration for their superior patriotic lifestyles. The government even sent a friend to help me write this article! I am sure that I will return to America once the ceremony is over, provided my government fulfills the necessary and very generous requirements set forth by the glorious Communist Party of North Korea. But if they don’t, at least I’ll have plenty of time to play rugby!

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