By Dan Druff
Pirate Imposter
So I’m sure everybody’s already heard about Jimmy Kimmel’s “Movie”–the movie coming out soon, and this lucky reporter got a chance to see it. Let me just say, my mind is blown. Never before have I seen a movie so stunning and brilliant in every sense of the word. People walked out of the theatre with glazed eyes, permanent smiles slapped on their faces, and twitching limbs. A few people were actually frozen in their seats and had to be carried out. Not me, of course, I was…fine.
Like most instant American classics, it’s a story about a boy and a girl, and also a werewolf. But there’s a wedding, and a somehow-related bomb. And oh, God, is that a meteor? Yes it is. A meteor with Gabourey Sidibe on it. Gabourey Sidibe is in this movie.
By the way, it’s based on a true story.
From the mind’s of directors J.J. Abrams and Martin Scorcese, and writer Jimmy Kimmel, this movie has everything you could ever possibly want in a Hollywood movie. It’s got romance, action, intrigue, suspense, horror, more action, an Armageddon’s worth of explosions (that’ll do, Michael Bay, that’ll do), even more blind romance (emphasis on the blind), everything. Every. Thing. Apparently at a pre-screening Oprah was in attendance, and she was so overcome by emotion she immediately ran (note: trotted) on-stage and gave each member of the audience a live elephant, because it’s Oprah–what else would you expect?
The incredible, spectacular, dare it be said glorious all-star cast includes faces such as Edward Norton, Antonio Banderas, Rashida Jones, Jim from the Office, from George Lopez (wait, who?), Academy-Award winner Charlize Theron, Bryan Cranston as the ill-fated hot dog vendor, Kate Beckinsale, Chewbacca, Tom Hanks as Robo-Lawyer, the dog from Air Bud, Gary Oldman the centaur, Jeff Goldblum, Cameron Diaz, Samuel G.D. Jackson, Meryl Streep…in a mustache, Daniel Day Lewis as Tyler Perry as George Washington, and many other stars this writer is too young to be familiar with. But of course, it stars George Clooney. Because it’s George Clooney and he gets the lead role every damn time. And somehow the budget was still big enough to afford a soundtrack featuring Steven Tyler, or whatever chain-smoking turkey they found in the petting zoo outside the studio, because they look about the same.
This movie is the blockbusting blockbuster of the century. There is no excuse good enough that you shouldn’t go see this movie. Right now, go see it right now. They’re not paying me for nothing. Support my needs.
Oh and on a final note, here’s a fun fact for you trivia-freaks out there, Matt Damon was set to star as a bunch of grapes, but Kimmel cut him out at the last minute.
Damon has since been given a restraining order.
That’s. . .insane. I kinda wish that this was a real movie, because it sounds funny as hell. And for some strange reason I still have a vivid image in my mind of Oprah screaming “everybody gets an elephant!”