By Diana Jonsie
Schindler Fan Club President
In a unanimous decision reached at the first International Council of Really Cool People (ICRCP), Professor Bill Schindler was given the title of Ultimate Bad Ass, the committee’s highest honor.
At a celebratory ceremony scheduled to last the rest of the year, secretary of the ICRCP James Franco listed Schindler’s accomplishments.
“Bruce Springsteen met him and officially abjugated his title as ‘The Boss.’ Bear Grylls attended just one of his anthropology lectures and declared himself a fraud. He has stepped down from his role as host of ‘Man vs. Wild’ and has named Schindler as his successor,” said the actor-director-writer-hottie.
Members of the ICRCP declared themselves “in awe” of the man Washington College students have long known to be the coolest professor on campus. Faced with feelings of inadequacy for the first time, Chuck Norris suffered a nervous breakdown and was found crying behind the punch bowl like a girl after being jilted by her prom date. The Most Interesting Man in the World was reduced to a wallflower in Schindler’s presence. The Old Spice Guy asked what body wash Schindler used.
“Not to mention he’s ridiculously good-looking,” added ICRCP member Derek Zoolander.
Students have long witnessed Schindler’s daily shows of sheer awesomeness.
“I’ve seen him construct a longhouse out of nothing more than sticks and spit,” said sophomore Kelly Hilton.
“He whittles arrowheads with his teeth,” said junior Eric Schwartz. “I was like, whoa, I am not a man.”
While these stories are almost definitely true, other stories of Schindler’s amazing prowess seem to be slightly fabricated. Schindler himself admitted that the rumor that he went head to head with a mastodon and won was “a little exaggerated.”
Indeed, Schindler’s only weakness seems to be mushrooms.
“We went on a class field trip with him and he would scale fences, climb trees and fall to his knees if it meant getting a mushroom. He would see them and it was like a kid at Christmas,” said sophomore Emmie Whiteman.
But mushrooms aside, it seems the world is now in on WC’s biggest secret.