By The (not famous) Sports Guy
Cherry Tree Sports Editor (by Default)
Sir Charles Barkley once said, “I am not a role model.” Indeed, our athletes often let us down—but what happened last Saturday is perhaps an all-time low for athlete debauchery. In a shocking turn of events, the poster-boy for goodie-two-shoes everywhere, Tim Tebow, was found belligerently drunk outside of the Western Shore dorms.
The Elm is the first to grab the scoop, after investigating this blurb in last week’s Public Safety report:
An individual was found publicly intoxicated outside of St. Mary’s house this past Saturday, March 31. The individual was down on one knee, whispering to himself, asking for the water in his cup to turn into wine. When approached he began cursing wildly, screaming, “Sanchez!” and “Manning!” The individual was not a WC student, investigation is ongoing.
The Elm called Tebow’s representatives, but they elected not to comment. However, due to journalistic persistence and tenacity, The Elm found a source who spent the night with Tebow.
John L. Way said of the night, “The guy was a nut, I’ve never seen anyone be that wild. I’m a loyal friend, but I think I may have to move on after this.”
L. Way says the night started off normally enough; the two were in town for a speaking engagement, and stopped off at a local bar to get some food. Then Tebow suggested Jagerbombs. When L. Way asked the usually straight-laced Tebow why he wanted to drink Jagerbombs, he replied, “Because they are out of tequila.”
After five successive Jagerbombs, the night was a downward spiral. Said L. Way, “Timmy started to get angry, yelling ‘Im the Wildcat B****es!’ (referring to the formation the Jets want him to run).” Tebow began harassing customers, asking them how many Heisman trophies they had.
It was then that a bouncer attempted to throw Tebow out of the bar, to no avail. Tebow stiff-armed the man with his right hand, while holding a beer bottle in his left. Tebow then attempted to the throw his beer bottle at the bartender, but luckily it only wobbled in the air and fell about five yards short of his target. He then proceeded to scream and flex angrily. In a word, it was Tebowmania. Something had to be done.
It took some time, but Tebow was eventually convinced out of the bar. Said L. Way, “I just told him my boy Peyton was coming, he’s not too fond of that guy.”
Tebow chugged his drink, told everyone he was going to pray for them, and then began a long stumble back to campus. L. Way asked Tebow why he was heading to WC’s campus instead of their hotel room, to which Tebow responded, “Dude, that place is the coolest, it’s always wild, we have to go.”
Once on campus, however, the alcohol caught up with Tebow. He wandered down to St. Marys, but once outside could no longer stand.
Said L. Way, “He was in his normal ‘Tebowing’ position, clutching a crushed beer can, and praying for wine. I kept handing him cups of water to try and sober him up. It was at that point he began yelling about Sanchez and Manning.”
Public Safety found the two like this at 1:30 a.m. After controlling the situation and handing Tebow a citation, they drove him back to his hotel, where he rested for the night.
The night can only be described as a scar on an otherwise squeaky-clean reputation. Hopefully Tebow can turn things around after this strange change in character. This incident should remind us all, nobody is perfect—especially when Jagerbombs are involved.