By May O’Nays
Stalker of Celebrities (and College Students)
In a bizarre turn of events, singer and fashion-enigma Katy Perry was mistaken for an Easter egg by a small child during an Easter egg hunt, and is suing ex-husband Russell Brand for allegedly provoking the precocious youngster. Perry could not be reached for comment, as we tried to find her in the middle of another Easter egg hunt.
The human bowling ball formerly known as Jessica Simpson has recently earned a second entry in the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest pregnancy ever, now at 15 months. Simpson earned her first entry for “Dumbest Blonde in History” nearly 10 years ago.
Lindsay Lohan, who recently signed a deal to play Marilyn Monroe in some movie that isn’t going matter after production is shut down because of her incompetence and perpetual high, has received a new title for her résumé: fashionista. Her new clothing line, “DrunkenMessChic,” will hit Royal Farms gas stations across the country by the end of the month, unless that contract falls through too. So actually, probably nevermind.
Singer and “Bizarre-but-I-was-born-this-way-guys” Lady Gaga publicly announced at a Starbuck’s last Wednesday that she is tired of all the media not following her around and something scandalous may or may not be happening soon. “It’s not like I’m planning to do something, I’m just that weird, remember?
Teen somehow-sensation Justin Bieber was overheard backstage at the Kid’s Choice Awards this past weekend talking about his evil plot to take over the world. “Apparently this has been his plan the whole time,” stated a stunned Ludacris at yesterday’s press conference. “First the hair industry, then the music industry—by then, we’ll be powerless.”
Previous movie star and current failure Eddie Murphy stated at a Fuddrucker’s last Monday that he will not, in fact, be quitting show business, despite his complete inability to be anything other than funny. Or star in a film that grosses over $1,000. Murphy reportedly said, “My motto has always been: if at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try, try, try, try again… Can I have $10?”
Stephenie Meyer, “author” of the “Twilight” children’s books, revealed that she is working with “Twilight” “actors” Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson on another book series, this time about the adventures of a wizard and his friends in a secret school for wizardry. “It’s never been done before, so I feel super original and creative,” said Meyer.
Repent, for the end is near.
That’s funny. I laughed at my pal who actually believed Ozzy competed WOW. Really? You think the prince of darkness are at home farming gold? lol