Jackson Ray Bob
Crotchety Random Man
Dear Pencil-Pushing Eye Users of The Elm,
It has recently come to my attention that our fine and cherished campus of Washington College has its very own newspaper, The Elm. After hearing such splendid news, I could not help but think, finally! It’s high time this campus got itself a paper to keep track of all the happenings on campus. Now I can find out about all the events that I totally plan on going to, hear all the Public Safety Reports which allow me to cultivate opinions on people, and listen to all the opinions of the writers which I will undoubtedly disagree with.
Unfortunately, the only news piece The Elm has brought me so far is old news: it has been around since 1930. How could this be? I’ve been on campus for at least a year now and have not heard a single thing about the paper. How could the reality of the situation have slipped by me so easily? It was my roommate, a man far more considerate than the pitiful trash working at The Elm would ever be, who revealed the dreadful truth to me. The Elm does not come in Braille.
I am a blind, which means that my life is often difficult and many people are inconsiderate to my needs. Wherever I go, people ask, “May I help you across the street?” as if I can see where their out-stretched hand is. “May I take your coat?” as if I could even see that I have a coat on. More than likely some prankster put the coat on me while I wasn’t looking, because I hate coats for being so visibly based. So thanks for pointing out the ruse to me you inconsiderate a** hat.
After having to deal with slews of thoughtless jerks a day, the only solace I have is in those better politically correct parts of society, like the news, that consider the feelings and concerns of all us less fortunate citizens.
So it pains me to find out that on our campus, not even the “higher class” forms of media consider the well-being of people as easy to come by as the blind. The editors should feel ashamed of themselves for putting out this paper, and so should the writers who stand by idly and do nothing about the atrocious, Braille-less, inaudible publication. By “writing” a newspaper with an eye-based language, The Elm staff has directly insulted my inability to read with sight. Furthermore, by not having a medium of communication which does not require vision, The Elm has forced me into a silent submission, forever unable to complain at them for being wrong, inconsiderate, and downright hurtful dick wads.
Surely The Elm staff does this because they do not want to be told what horrible people they truly are. Little do they know that my ever so gracious and handsome roommate has taken the time to write on my behalf, listening to every word I say, certainly not making me look like a fool and totally not giggling to himself as I spout out this ludicrous tirade. I can’t thank you enough Joe for being awesome, and Jenny Carsem should totally go out with you.
I am truly jealous of the student body which reads The Elm every day, who surely do so as I would not pass up the opportunity if I could see. Meanwhile I’m stumbling off somewhere into a trashcan while on my way to astronomy because I don’t even know what a building looks like. My life is already challenging enough. Thus I reasonably request that The Elm staff have someone record the entirety of their publication each week to show that they are not discriminatory towards the visually impaired. Only then will this wrong be made right.
Signed,
Dictated by Jackson Ray
Written by Joe Faulkner