By Regina Wittiker
Elm Philosopher
For some, the arrival of spring is either a time of unmitigated panic or intense relief – most likely both in that order. The deadline for several senior theses is arriving as students struggle to ascertain that they have learned something big on this campus and that this unearthing of untapped knowledge can be proven in at least 50 sheets of paper.
The specifications vary, but probably none vary so much as those attached to the studio art major, whose crowning achievement could end up being literally anything inspired with creative purpose and safely encased in the legitimatizing walls of the Kohl Gallery’s senior show. The freedom can be terrifying – what combination of color and form could possibly capture the sheer profundity of your $200,000 art education conducted at a non-art school? The task is daunting, but given the powerful nature of passionate artistic compulsion, many will rise like a phoenix from the ashes of their pay stubs to grasp an inner truth.
One such art major is prepared to take her thesis to the next level, and by that I mean leveling Hodson Hall. The student, who wished to remain anonymous due to “haters”, has been working up to a huge statement of transitory post-modernism that is likely to cause quite a stir. With the aid of a friend, the student – whom we will refer to as “Flannery” – plans to burn Hodson Hall to the ground in a fiery testament to our species’ ability to not only nurture, but destroy.
When questioned on her statement and motives, Flannery shared: “I’d categorize this as performance art. The beauty is that I won’t be performing but everyone else will. All of the intention that went into designing the building will go up in smoke. All of the food which we eat and then process and then expel like it was nothing, that’s exactly what it will be – nothing. Because that’s what we are. Nothing.”
Flannery has previously studied experimental liberation during a period of personal research and plans to incorporate what she’s learned into her thesis.
“It’s about not worshipping human things and looking at what we value when we take away stupid s*** like bricks, windows, doors. Buildings are seen as shelters when really they’re just glorified cages. Everyone paints nice little meditations on this or like makes symbolic flowers and sticks them in the corner of a room for people to stare at. This is loud, this is present, no one else has the guts to do this. I’ll probably get an A.”
Flannery’s accomplice simply summarized her involvement with the term “YOLO.”
Flannery is apparently not working with an advisor from the department in this aspect of her project and did not discuss this recent development in her proposal. She wishes to maintain the integrity of the work by remaining private about the impending date and time of its execution. “We’re all caught up in time. We want to know when, where, how, all the time. It’s really crazy – why can’t we be just be? That’s why this will happen whenever the hell I want it to,” the student said.
Flannery is not the first of her kind to equate burning a major landmark with an avant-garde strike on idealistic permanence and capitalist materialism. Julius Caesar was a pioneer of this field, using fire to remediate his existential frustrations during the Alexandrian Wars. His crowning achievement, the damaging of the Library of Alexandria, has similar parallels to Flannery’s work, most notably the erasure of human intent and history (food for thought in the metaphorical sense as opposed to the literal). Pillaging and burning was also an activity widely practiced among the Vikings, most often in monasteries and abbeys. If you worship the Dining Hall, now might be an opportunity to respond to a calling from a new faith.
When heading out to dinner during the upcoming month, students should carefully consider the risks involved in either starvation or immolation.