Moving to Hollywood: Assistant men’s soccer coach Caltabiano set to star as Super Mario in feature film

By Mit Tarcin
Confessions Sports Editor

It is always tough to lose a coach, but sometimes an opportunity knocks that cannot be turned away. Such is the case for Washington College men’s soccer as the old coaching carousel has spun once again and jettisoned Assistant Coach Vinnie Caltabiano into a new position. Although Caltabiano is not leaving for a coaching position but rather for the bright lights of Hollywood. He will be playing the lead role in a feature film about the legendary video game character Mario.

Said Head Coach Roy Dunshee about losing Caltabiano, “From the moment I saw Coach Caltabiano racing through campus on a golf cart and throwing banana peals out the back, I knew he was born to play Mario. We want to keep Vinnie, but it would be wrong to deprive the world of his talents. At times like these, the world needs an authentic Mario more than it needs a pretend assistant coach with cartoonish facial hair.”

Indeed, Caltabiano seems to be a natural choice for the role. The former assistant coach has all the necessary attributes: the height, the charisma, the jumping ability, and of course, the ability to grow a sweet ‘stache on command. Mario-based movies do not have a great history however. The 1993 feature film “Super Mario Bro’s” got two thumbs down from Roger Ebert and has a 13 percent positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

Director Winston Tarantino (less famous and less talented brother of Quentin) is confident his star will take the new version to greater heights.

Said Tarantino, “Have you seen the guy? I mean really, have you seen him? It’s like he jumped out of the television in the middle of jumping on turtles or whatever. How could I fail with Mario’s spitting image?”

In fact, Caltabiano has grown to be a celebrity of sorts around campus for his likeness of the character. Says former soccer player Morty Lenevitz, “I always felt coach was out of place as a big fish in the small Chestertown pond. I’m glad he is moving on to bigger things.”

Caltabiano seems to agree with Lenevitz’s statement. When the former coach was approached by WAC Confessions for comments on the move he only responded, “I am on to bigger and better things, leave me alone. Haven’t you heard, I’m a star now.”

Caltabiano was always known for his flair on and off the field and perhaps this will serve him well as a budding movie star. He has been known to cruise town in a pink Cadillac convertible, driving with both his hands in the air, and playing his favorite tunes at full blast. The residents of High Street did not always approve, but Caltabiano would respond, “YOLO” (via Twitter).

As a coach the acclaimed assistant always stressed the importance of hair gel and properly worn socks to players, stressing, “You have to look the part to the play the part.” Truer advice was never uttered, as it seemed to have worked for him.

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