El Presidente
Hail to the ME
Dear Editor,
I’ve taken time off since my successful election. I’ve played a thousand rounds of golf, taken numerous vacations to Uranus with taxpayers money, and followed my favorite basketball teams through March Madness. I’ve also read a few of your articles, and I feel a bit bewildered. You have taken my ideas on unconstitutional gun control and illegal droning and turned them into negative things! I write you now to discuss my issues with you.
First off, you seem very bipartisan, and I do not understand how or why. In 2008, I paraded around this country calling for unity and bipartisanship. I even won a Nobel Peace Prize! Five years later, Republicans and Democrats are still fighting, and it most certainly is not my fault… You, on the other hand, have found ways to make both sides happy, and I don’t know how you can when I’ve tried everything! I’ve invited Boehner and my boy Joe to sit down and discuss bipartisan issues like my socialized healthcare and failed stimulus plans, but Boehner and you Republicans could not see how amazing my plans are!
And secondly, you make people think the opposite of what my friends in the media have been saying. We worked hard to portray you Republicans as “old, white men,” but you talk about all the teenagers, and women, and minorities who hold conservative views. How am I supposed to convince people that Republicans are out of touch if you keep showing them the truth?
After the first few articles you wrote, I decided to find out what kind of person you are through your Facebook. You plan to run for president, so I thought I’d try to find some dirt on you. Unfortunately, I did not see any pictures of you under the influence of any substances and I found your birth certificate, so I can’t smear you with that.
I then decided that I would have to see the kind of person you are in real life. Needless to say, I couldn’t see you through my Oval Office binoculars, so I picked up my Xbox controller that I fly my personal drone with. Regrettably, it snowed Monday of last week and someone threw a snowball at it, so I raised taxes and bought another one.
Last week, I canoed across the Chesapeake Bay to find you at Washington College. I tried to pull a George Washington and look as cool as he did when he crossed the Delaware River, but I tripped, fell into the Bay, and Joe had to save me. We drove around in a dog-shaped van until we found you and followed you.
By the end of the day, I was simply dumbfounded. I spent the day watching a young Republican take care of an elderly woman, teach at two schools, fight for the causes of his fellow students in senate, and sing Taylor Swift songs. I don’t understand how you could be a Republican, take care of young students and the elderly, and still find time to sing such hip music. You contradict every stereotype I have tried to convey to the American people about Republicans, and that makes my job much harder.
In all, I’ve realized that you represent a new kind of politician. You find realistic approaches to every situation, and you are able to look at the issues from both sides. I simply cannot compete. To borrow some of T. Swift’s words, I should have known “you were trouble when you walked in,” but I assure you, “we are never ever getting back together, like ever!”
As a result of all your accomplishments coupled with my dwindling poll numbers, I have one option left—I hereby resign, give you my job, and hope that you find more success than I have. Watch out for my boy Joe and Hillary though, they’ve been a bit off their rockers lately. Farewell!
Sincerely,
President Obama