By The Scarlet Scholar and Burt Macklin, FBI
Elm Staff Love Machines
Scarlet says… It can be hard to find people you are interested in on such a small campus. Everyone knows everyone, and you obviously don’t want to go after someone that one of your friends is interested in. What is a guy or gal to do? Think outside the box! The one for you might just be standing right in front of you asking you to answer a question from last night’s reading. That’s right! Don’t count out your professors! They’re older, have more experience, and are obviously bringing in the money. Some might look past these tender tenures as off-limits, but in this day and age who hasn’t had some sort of scandalous relationship? Don’t dismiss your passionate profs.
Shared interests are always needed in a relationship. If you’re trying to snag a cute cultivator of knowledge in your department, then you already know you are both enthusiastic about your major. You two can talk about content from class, and you can get more insight than any other student. You’ll get to bond with your favorite instructor while making the most of your educational resources.
Speaking of deeper knowledge, your favorite subject isn’t the only thing your professor knows more about. Age brings with it wisdom and experience. You know these guys have been around the block a few times, if you catch my drift. The classroom isn’t the only place professors could teach you a thing or two. Think how you could benefit from this wealth of knowledge and experience in private (and no, I’m not talking about office hours here people). Most college co-eds simply don’t have the experience to stand up to these tried and tested lovers. If you’re looking for a banging good time, then you can’t go wrong with a practiced professor.
Another bonus to dating a professor is the flexible schedule. Besides office hours and class time, professors are as free as birds! What else do they have to do besides occasional grading? They’ll be free to take you on all the nice dates that a lax bro or the cutie in your chemistry class can’t afford. You can even have lunch dates with your enamored educator in between classes. What could be better?
While I can’t think of a better pairing, no relationship is perfect, and a relationship with a professor is no different. There are a few minor downsides you should know about before committing. You may have to keep your rendezvous on the down low. Then again what better way is there to spice up a relationship than keeping it your own dirty little secret? Besides, it only has to stay a secret until your graduation day, after that you can let your liberal arts love escape its cage. Another downside could be a jealous spouse, but it’s not your fault if you two are truly meant to be. They’ll get over it.
Just think how good your letters of recommendation will be when you know one of your professors that much better. Your relationship can then double as a résumé booster; now that’s a smart match! Lesson to be learned: don’t count your professors out of the WC dating pool, they could provide you with a lot more than some extra credit.
Burt says… Dating is a terrifying experience in the life of any college co-ed. There are so many things to worry about whenever you step into the gladiatorial arena of dating: Does my breath smell? Are they good in bed? Will they think that I’m good in bed? How will our first date impact the grade I get on the midterm? If these thoughts are not always on your mind while seeing someone, I don’t think you’re doing it right. Collegiate success is the first step in having a successful career and hot wife/husband/partner. And what better way to guarantee an awesome GPA and future recommendation letters than dating a professor? There are so many pros to dating a college professor that I actually don’t think I can write all of them. So I won’t write any of them…just received word from the editor that I have to write something or I won’t get paid. Okay, so here goes.
If you’re dating one of your own professors, you’ll do well in class: This is a very important part of dating a professor. Make sure that they actually teach one of your classes because otherwise, they won’t be able to give you any extra credit. And what is the point of dating someone you can’t get something out of? Sure, they may have a wealth of knowledge in a field that you may be remotely interested in but they can’t boost your GPA. Look for a professor who can give you that little edge and help you get into the honor society of your choosing. Be sure not to break up with them before the semester ends, however, as that can really mess you up. If you’re having trouble determining which professor to shack up with for a few months, look to resources like RateMyProfessors.com where you can find out what students past and present think of your potential partner. Getting the opinions of anonymous internet users is vital to figuring out any potential relationships, so make sure you consult the web constantly. Speaking of anonymity…
Writing those anonymous assessments at the end of the semester can be fun: No one likes writing the end of semester class assessments. Anything that involves filling in bubbles is already an instant buzzkill, but the school makes you do them for every class you take. How much more fun will you have assessing a professor who has seen your assets? Throwing in little innuendos and double entendres will at least make this process bearable for you and confuse the heck out of the people in Bunting who have to type up all of the results.
They already know what they’re doing: If you are dating a prof, there’s a good chance that this ain’t their first rodeo. Not only is this person wise in the ways of the world and ultra great in the sack, but they also perfected sneaking around with students long before you enrolled in high school. From scheduling private meetings at their office off-campus to writing sexy notes on the back of your newly graded exam (which you got a 98 on despite not answering a single question), this guy or gal has got it down. They know all the right things to say in class to keep your relationship strictly professional as well as all of the right things to say in bed to fulfill all of your super awesome student-teacher fantasies.
As you can see, there are actually zero downsides to dating a professor. So get out there and start making eyes at whoever is currently failing you and see what happens. Don’t forget to start scheduling special meetings as soon as possible to fill all that time you weren’t going to spend studying anyway. You’ll only have yourself to blame when you can’t get a good letter of recommendation in two years for that job you kind of think you could do.