By Editrix Complex
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It’s an undeniable fact: life at Washington College is busy. With classes, sports, extracurriculars, and binge drinking taking up substantial portions of students’ days, it can seem nearly impossible to make time for dating. Luckily, the fast-paced nature of the internet age has made it more than socially acceptable to judge a book by its cover. And what better way to get to know someone on a superficial level than via their follicular offerings? With that in mind, The Stump presents the official Definitive Ranking of Washington College Men (As Told by Their Facial Hair).
*Rankings based purely on my subjective (but infallible, by order of the Pope) opinions.
4) The Casual Duck Dynasty Tree-Leaner
BEARD: 4
If you spy a fly Shoreman sporting a full, bushy beard, be prepared: your life may soon be relegated to crouching in goose pits or tree stands, eau de deer piss dotting your wrists and décolletage. A true Eastern Shore dude, the CDDT-L is likely to be a low-maintenance outdoorsy type (possibly a Phi Delt) and has the added benefit of secreting bits of deer jerky about his person.
3) The 70s Pornstachioed Throwback
BEARD: 5
Though slightly (read: entirely) alarming, the 7PT deserves at least a little respect for his ability to grow such a wildly off-putting display of facial hair – and just look at those Coke-bottle glasses. Benefits of dating this Ron Jeremy-wannabe include spontaneous bursts of the Hustle, poly-blend V-Neck jumpsuits, and groovy times, baby. Note: likely to frighten small children. Avoid Rita’s dates at all costs.
2) Ironic Hipster-Stacher
BEARD: 6
A satirical play on #4, the Ironic Hipster-Stacher knows how ridiculous his mustache looks – that’s why it’s cool. IHS men can often be found at meetings of the Writer’s and Musician’s Unions, smoking disinterestedly outside of the Lit House, and listening to music you’ve never heard of through their throwback boom boxes. Though very similar aesthetically to the 7PT, IHS dudes are awarded an extra point for irony (because duh, irony is the point).
1) The Slightly Scruffy Niagara Falls Tourist
BEARD: 10
The Goldilocks’ bed of facial hair: not too bushy, not too porny, not too non-present, the SSNFT has all the uncommitted allure of 20-something indecision. Not only will he share in your post-graduate existential crises, he’ll look good doing it! Bonus: this guy can take you places. And by places I mean Canada. Pretty nice, eh?
So there you have it, Goose-worshippers. Survey the crowd on your next outing, pick a winner, and practice safe flocking.