Literary Tea Party Terrorizes Town

By Meanie, Miney, and Moe

Stump Staff Teapot Craftsmen

It has recently sparked the greatest riot in all of Washington College history. It has rumbled our historic brick walls with cries said to be as loud as those that brought down the Walls of Jericho: the Rose O’Neill Literary House announced Sunday, March 20 that it will no longer serve tea.

In its place, the Lit House will now serve unflavored carbonated water.

Senior Lenon Lelt said, “I hate that stuff—it’s tastes like the actual tears of writers.”

According to Lit House Official Tea Provider Candace Drai, the Lit House will no longer serve tea because of the various issues and even health risks. “There’s the herbal tea that only seems to make the students drowsy during class, and we believe it’s really affected their grades and their writing. Then there’s the caffeinated tea, and let’s face it, students just drink far too much caffeine from Java George alone.”

Some students protested the Lit House tea ban by dumping tea bags into toilets.
Some students protested the Lit House tea ban by dumping tea bags into toilets.

“I once read a story where a man drank too much tea and started hallucinating that a primate was following him everywhere he went,” said Assistant Professor of English Dr. Percy Perryar. “Now that may be a bit extreme, but there are students who could use far less caffeine. Unfortunately, it was either coffee at Java George and the dining hall or tea at the Literary House. The tea was always free at the Literary House, so it’s not like we’re making any money off of it.”

According to Assistant Professor of History Dr. Don Dunkin, “The Lit House thought about making students pay for every cup of tea they have, or taxing it I guess. I told them that would hit a little too close to home, historically speaking, so they’re just going to stop serving it all together. Though, there’ll still be tea at Java George, Miller Library, and the dining hall, so I guess you could say you now have to pay for it… oh dear.”

Tax or no tax—either way this catastrophe has raised an outcry from English Majors loud enough to rouse Sophie Kerr from her grave. According to Baltimore Resident Tia Green,  Class of 2013,“I heard Kerr’s apparition knocking on her coffin, yelling at folks to keep it down up there. I had to tell her how the Lit House has stopped serving tea. Oh, she was not happy to hear that. I could feel the ground around her grave get hot. She told me she’d be scheduling a haunting at the Lit House sometime soon.”

Meanwhile, students are taking it upon themselves to protest and make their plight heard. On Monday, March 21, students actually raided the boxes of tea available at the dining hall and marched down to the Chester River to dump them. A whole line of colorful, paper packets paraded down the river, and sophomore Cammie Bigloh said she saw a goose choke on a packet.

“Don’t worry, it coughed it right back up,” she said. “He was fine.”

After the incident with the goose, WC’s loveable mascot Gus suggested that students take on another means of protest. On Wednesday, March 23, Junior and history major Ben Lee dressed up in an 1800s gentleman costume and taped a paper mask with a printed image of Earl Charles Grey’s face. He rallied a bunch of students in the Lit House to call for a Reform Literary House Act of 2016. All classes at the Lit House were canceled, and according to Dr. Perryar, hardly any English students showed up for any of their classes.

Even a few students from other departments participated, “and rightfully so,” Lee said. “How long before Toll stops providing lab equipment because the tools are hazardous to students’ safety?”

“The environmental majors got involved after the Chester River Tea Party,” Lee said. “The math majors want to see how much money the school can lose if we boycott the tea, and I know the psych majors are curious about how tea has become such an icon in the Lit House at such an emotional level. It’s just amazing how many majors have taken interest in this cause.”

Dr. Perryar and Drai agreed that they are starting to rethink their decision. “Who would’ve thought that this one act would have such a huge impact on the entire College,” Dr. Perryar said.

The Lit House announced Thursday night that they are going to wait until next week to make a final decision as to whether or not the tea stays or goes. In the meantime, there will be a talk this Saturday by Sophie Kerr during her haunting spree and a campus-wide tea party on the campus green.

“It’s going to be a lot of fun,” Bigloh said. “Just bring some work with you too. We want to show how tea actually encourages and enhances our work ethic. Maybe that’ll help them change their minds. Oh, and do not feed the animals. I think poor Gus is still a little traumatized.”

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