An Article That Is Definitely Not the Shrek 2 Script

by Fairy Godmother
Far Far Away

Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl.
And throughout the land, everyone was happy…until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night.
Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss…of the handsome Prince Charming.
It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon’s keep.
For he was the bravest, and most handsome, in all the land.  And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess’s chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her…
“Princess… Fiona?”
“Oh, thank heavens. Where is she?”
“She’s on her honeymoon.”
“Honeymoon? With whom?”
“It’s so good to be home! Just you and me and…Donkey?”
“Shrek! Fiona! Aren’t you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How ‘bout a side of sugar for the steed?”
“Donkey, what are you doing here?”
“Taking care of your love nest for you.”
“Oh, you mean like… sorting the mail and watering the plants?”
“Yeah, and feeding the fish!”
“I don’t have any fish.”
“You do now. I call that one Shrek and the other Fiona. That Shrek is a rascally devil.”
“Get your… Look at the time. I guess you’d better be going.”
“Don’t you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi?”
Actually, Donkey? Shouldn’t you be getting home to Dragon?”
“Oh, yeah, that. I don’t know. She’s been all moody and stuff lately. I thought I’d move in with you.”
“You know we’re always happy to see you, Donkey. But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone.”
“Say no more. You don’t have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you.”
“Yes, roomie?”
“You’re bothering me.”
“Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess… Me and Pinocchio was going to catch a tournament, anyway, so… Maybe I’ll see y’all Sunday for a barbecue or something.”
“He’ll be fine. Now, where were we? Oh. I think I remember.”
“I know, I know! Alone! I’m going! I’m going. What do you want me to tell these other guys?
[theme to Hawaii Five-O]
“Enough, Reggie.”

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