By Panini Speranna
Morning Oak Staff Writer
Scandal has broken out across the Washington College campus with the revelation that Hodson Ding Hall has been infiltrated by Director of Ding Services Don Stanwick’s evil twin, Stan Donwick.
Donwick has reportedly been stealing food from the facility by night, after the staff has vacated the premises. Security footage reveals that Donwick might be responsible for the severe shortage of ice cream, ice cream cones, Sirracha, honey mustard, and other beloved food items.
This news has rattled the campus and shocked those who did not know about the existence of Stan Donwick, the sugar thief. The emergence of an evil twin has historically been surprising here in Chestertown, despite the frequency of such incidents.
This is not the first time WC has suffered from the confusion of an evil twin reveal; many will remember last year’s revelation about professor’s evil twins, such as Adam Evilheart, Joey Prod’humme, Lamp Aaronman, Windel Jimborn, and Dean Quinzio DiPatrice.
Stanwick has discussed his feelings about his brother’s crimes. “This has gone on long enough. We no longer have any ice cream. We make it all the night before, but by morning half of it and all the cones have vanished. Our students are starving.”
Several students have echoed Stanwick’s concerns. “How are we supposed to eat ice cream without cones? What is this, prison?” one annoyingly privileged student said.
Students often mistake Stan Donwick for Don Stanwick, leading to a strange guessing game. Stanwick commented on this. “The only difference between the two of us is our names. However, Stan responds to a high-pitched dog whistle, and that is how the local authorities are attempting to identify him.”
Several Ding Hall employees have begun to carry special military grade dog whistles so that they will not be misdirected by any imitations of the director.
Stanwick has spoken out on the sense of destiny that this twin has created for him. “I know it is my duty to vanquish my evil twin. I must go on a quest to gain control over all the elements; water, fire, earth, and air. When I have become the Avatar, he willl be defeated.”
If you see a man who looks like Don Stanwick wandering the Ding Hall, please contact Public Safety or reach out to a Ding Hall employee to confirm his identity. It just might be Stan Donwick, evil twin at large. Sad!
By Panini Speranna