Football Slated for 2018

By Devil Dog

Washington College faithful rejoiced this past week when President Justin Hare and Athletic Director Bucky McBadbat announced in a joint press conference that a WC football team will taking the field once again.w
“This was something that the students have been asking and picketing my office for a while now,” said Hare. “Seeing as the Baltimore Ravens have been in a bit of a slump the past few years, we’re hoping we can give football fans in Maryland something to cheer about for once.”
McBadbat is looking forward to the new season, but the team is still frantically in search of a head coach.
“I’ve been calling high school coaches, former college players, and even retired professionals, but nobody’s been returning my calls. I even tried calling my Dad and he sent me straight to voicemail,” said McBadbat. “I just put up a Craigslist ad the other day. I’m getting desperate here.” The announcement was then followed with plans for a complete reconstruction of Roy Kirby, Jr. Stadium. The proposed $3.5 million addition will include a second set of bleachers on the other side of the field directly opposite the current fan section. The plans also include a jumbotron, state of the art speakers, strobe lights, and a built-in t-shirt mortar.
“T-shirt cannons are so overrated, so we got the next best thing,” said Student Fun Committee Vice President Marty Turco. “This baby’s got all the works: built in reload feature, a self cleaning system, you name it. It tends to go off at like, completely random times, but we are working on it.”
The school sent out a survey shortly after the announcement asking for help choosing the new mascot of the team. With such an intellectual and diverse community here on campus, Dean of Student Affairs Sally Slapper was confident the student body would pick a strong and decisive name.
“The Harambe’s,” shuttered Slapper. “They actually named us after a dead gorilla.”
In response, the WC faithful has petitioned to change the name of the stadium to the Cincinatti Zoo and name the new fan section The Zookeepers. Hare and McBadbat could not be reached for comment.

WC will square off with Navy to open up their upcoming football season.

The school and athletics staff have started to frantically get the field and appropriate equipment ready for the team’s summer preseason training. Groundskeeper Kellyanne Subway was spotted dragging a rugby goal post to the field just the other day.
“It’s not exactly the same premise, but it’ll do,” said Subway. “It’s not in our budget to purchase actual football goal posts, so we’ll have to improvise.”
Due to the late start to the season, the Harambe’s didn’t have a free spot available to compete in Centennial Conference play, but McBadbat had other plans.
“I reached out to a few schools and I’m honored to say that we’ll be competing in the Big Ten Conference this upcoming season,” said McBadbat in a school wide email. “Moving from Division III to Division I is a huge step, but I think the boys have what it takes.”
In terms of the team itself, the Athletics Administration is reaching out to any and everybody who is interested in playing on the team next season. Newly appointed captain and self proclaimed football prodigy Clarence Clark is anxious yet eager to hit the field.
“Honestly, I only agreed to do this because I was told I would earn credit for it,” said Clark. “I don’t even know how to throw a football in a perfect spool, or spiel, or spiral or whatever it’s called.”
The team faces off against Michigan State in their home opener on Sept. 14.

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