By Smitty Werben Jagerman Jenson
Crocodile Whisperer
Construction on the Cullen Dorms has been delayed by a new startling discovery. A swamp monster, here on our own campus, has recently been terrorizing the construction workers on site. The monster has been described as a large, lumbering green figure, with a loud roar and pungent stench.
The first to notice the monster was construction worker Brick Jones.
“I was up on the scaffolding, by myself, and I’m peering down into the mud around our site, and I see it. This big green monster, right there in the mud, bathing in it.”
The monster has since been spotted by the workers numerous times. On more than one occasion, it has interacted with them, deliberately frightening them with what has been described as a “truly piercing, horrifying roar” by Jones and some of his co-workers.
The monster appears to be getting bolder, as it has now also started interacting with students.
One student, Spence Mundorf, freshman, told A Tree staff, “I was just walking around, minding my own business, and as I passed by the construction, the monster lunged out of nowhere. I quickly dove to the ground to hide. It didn’t see me at first, but I saw it there with my own eyes. It was really tall, green, with big features, and it smelled. When I was leaving, it must have spotted me, because it roared at me, super loud, and I ran away so fast, I never looked back. I think it started laughing as I ran away, but I could not be sure.”
Since the first sighting, students, faculty, construction workers, and town residents alike have reported seeing the monster, and at times, interacting with it, all with similar results: A thundering roar more terrifying than can be imagined. Although nobody is certain, more people have reported hearing the monster laugh as they ran away from it.
“I could have sworn I heard the thing laughing at me, but what do I know?” sophomore Samantha Robinson said.
Most attempts to directly communicate with the monster have proven fruitless, with the exception of one.
Last week, the monster said, “Most people look at me and they say ‘’Ew! That’s what is living underground?’ They run when they look at me. That’s why I stay undeground.”
Despite the monster’s claims, many still believe that it is a menace.
“I don’t care what it has to say. It’s been scaring the bejeezus out of me and my co-workers,” Jones said. “I hope that it gets brought to justice, it can’t continue to scare people like this. It needs to leave us alone.”
While the police have not as of yet issued a warrant for the monster’s arrest, one truth remains: The swamp monster’s activities will continue to be the subject of much discussion and controversy.
“I really hope that the monster stops scaring people,” Mundorf said, “And that it gets around to taking a bath soon, in something other than mud. That smell alone should be considered a crime.”
As authorities continue to deliberate how to respond, the swamp monster continues to lurk around Cullen, and students would do well to beware.