By Ezra Quinoa
Interim President of the College Dr. Wayne Powell announced that in the final months of his tenure, he is bringing football to Washington College.
Dr. Powell said the College’s future football program will be “the inspiration for our future,” replacing the environmental program as the College’s signature programming.
The Shoreperson football team will be coed, bringing several new programs with it, including a marching band, cheerleading, and a new major, gyroscopic precession.
However, the football team cannot be seamlessly transposed into WC’s setting. There are some conflicts which the College must address.
One of those conflicts is space. A football team will require long hours on the field in Kirby Stadium, appropriating the lacrosse team’s space.
Lacrosse will continue its programming, moving its practices to the parking lot between Kirby Stadium and Athey Park.
While students who park in those lots should already be aware that stray baseballs pose an imminent danger to their vehicles, they are now also encouraged to traverse the area with extreme caution, watching for stray lacrosse players.
The cost of hiring football coaches is another conflict with which the College must face.
After the College’s budgetary deficit became the central focus of the 2020-2021 academic year, how the College can afford football coaches, whose salaries are large fiscal commitments, is a prime concern of this plan.
However, their hiring may help the College navigate its budget deficit by distracting critics from the high salaries of WC’s administrators and instead to the even higher salaries of its future coaches.
The cost of hiring coaches will be covered by closing five faculty positions, according to Dr. Powell.
While there are concerns about the resources needed to form the football team, there are no concerns regarding how it might affect the College’s academic programming.
After all, Dr. Powell said his college football inspiration comes from a desire to improve the College’s academic program.
According to Dr. Powell, he is finally taking the advice of his acquaintance, former University of Oklahoma Coach and former Superbowl-winning Dallas Cowboys Coach Barry Switzer.
Switzer allegedly told Dr. Powell that “no school can really have a strong academic program unless they have a nationally recognized football program.”
Taking that advice to heart, Dr. Powell hopes to see the football program cultivate such an environment of academic proliferation.
This proliferation will partially arise through the creation of a new football-centric major, gyroscopic precession, utilizing the scientific method to create the perfect spiral on their passes.
Dr. Powell also sees the football program being fully integrated into the College’s liberal arts philosophy through the modification of eligibility for the Sophie Kerr Prize.
According to Dr. Powell, he hopes to change the rules of eligibility so students will not only submit their creative writing portfolio, but proof that they can run the 40-yard dash in 4.6 seconds to apply.
The Sophie Kerr Prize is the largest undergraduate literary prize in the United States, according to the WC website.
Paid from the Sophie Kerr Endowment, it awards one student who shows the greatest potential in literary pursuits an award of over $50,000.
With the new eligibility standards, decisions will no longer be based on students’ portfolios and potential in literary pursuits, but their impeccable speed as well.
“At least it gives me a reason to leave my room,” senior Emma Reiter said, lacing up her sneakers.
While she previously spent the semester anxiously writing, erasing, and rewriting one comma in line four of her portfolio’s concluding sonnet, Reiter now looks towards the field as her greatest hurdle.
Reiter said her recent experiences — hurtling down midfield surrounded by fellow, hungry creative writers — have prompted the return of old thoughts regarding the creation of a track and field team.
Shoreperson football will be ready to take the field by fall 2021, greeting the new president of the College with a parade around the track. Heaving the future head of the College upon their shoulders and letting WC’s fight song, Cascada’s “Everytime We Touch,” rip from the horns of their budding marching band, they will initiate the new leader into Goose Nation.
And who else should be part of that initiation than Dr. Powell himself?
Despite his many years in higher education, and multiple degrees, Dr. Powell never used his college football eligibility.
Eligibility meaning that Dr. Powell has not yet played four full years of college football.
So, Dr. Powell will not be leaving campus but rather getting the full experience, returning for his bachelor’s degree in gyroscopic precession and his spot as a member of Shoreperson football.
Together, Dr. Powell and the future football recruits will experience the epic highs and lows of college football.
Featured Photo caption: Interim President of the College Dr. Wayne Powell is departing his position as administrator to join student athletes in forming the Shoreperson football team. Photo by Duck Dodgers.