Presidential Search Committee delves into ancient temple in search of permanent president

By Suspicious Fish

Under the Sea Correspondent

Finding a permanent president to lead the Washington College community has proven to be a daunting task for the Presidential Search Committee.

Since the announcement of another presidential search in a Jan. 27 email, the committee has worked hard to find a candidate worthy of serving as WC’s new president.

“We have been searching everywhere, but we just can’t seem to find anyone who meets our criteria. But then we asked ourselves: where haven’t we searched yet? The answer was simple, an ancient temple,” Professor of Medieval Studies and member of the Presidential Search Committee Dr. Henry Jones Sr. said.

Dr. Jones Sr. said the bar can never be set too high when it comes to WC, an institution that deserves only the finest president that the ancient ruins of the earth can offer.

“I would say our expectations are high, but not impossibly so. The individual we choose must have extensive experience in a leadership position of an institution of a similar size. We’re thinking a few hundred years at least, but we are somewhat flexible on this,” Dr. Jones Sr. said.

 “Maybe we’ll find some ancient slumbering ghost leader who will peacefully agree to be the president or something. That’s what we’re aiming for with this,” Dr. Rene Belloq, the trip’s primary funder, said.

Other members of the committee are not as optimistic.

“A few of us may not even come out alive,” Committee Co-Chair Marion Ravenwood said. “We just don’t know what’s going to happen.”

However, leader of the journey and Chair of the Presidential Committee Dr. Indiana Jones Jr. said he wants to assure the WC community that all members of the committee will be perfectly safe in the temple.

“I made sure to pack a first aid kit in case we run into a few booby traps or hostile entities in there,” Dr. Jones Jr. said. “All you need is a couple Band-Aids to get you going again from any injury. Trust me, I know.”

Dr. Jones Jr. would not confirm he packed more than just a box of Spider-Man Band-Aids.

According to the committee, this is a planned excursion into the jungles of Kent County, where a mysterious temple from millennia past was recently discovered by scientists and explorers, completely undisturbed since ancient times.

The committee members will depart WC on April 1 and begin their journey into the temple late the next day. They will reportedly explore the confines of this ancient place for over a week.

“We think it will be like camping, so we packed some crackers and a couple water bottles. That should be enough. I also packed a few shiny objects, like tinfoil and jewelry. You know, for the spirit monsters,” Ravenwood said.

According to Dr. Jones Jr., the greatest dangers the team may face are the ancient spirit watchers, known to inhabit and guard these kinds of temples.

“They’re usually blue colored, around fifteen feet tall, sometimes they have fur on them. Don’t ask me why,” Dr. Jones Jr.. said. “They’re disembodied spirits that have been trapped in the mortal realm to guard these temples for millions of years. So, yes, they’re a little angry.”

When asked, Dr. Jones Sr. admitted that most of the team has absolutely no experience camping of any kind, let alone in an ancient temple.

“We will stop at nothing to find our next president. We are willing to sacrifice everything to this task. Although we may be somewhat unprepared, this is just a reflection of how dedicated we are to this process and the WC community. I fully believe we will emerge from that temple a week from now with a fantastic, hopefully immortal, president by our side,” Dr. Jones Sr. said.

When asked why they hope the new president will be immortal, Dr. Jones Sr. said. “So they can never leave us again.”

Featured Photo caption: The Presidential Search Committee began their exploration of an ancient temple located on the Eastern Shore in search of a new, qualified permanent president of the College. Photo by Joe King.

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