George Washington’s head demands remainder of body

By Pipster P. Longstocking
Professional Geese Translator

Located outside of Washington College’s Hodson Hall Commons, the campus’ beloved statue of George Washington’s head is demanding answers.

According to rumors spread by the WC campus geese residents, he has been searching endlessly for the other part of his body.

“Georgie is at his wits’ end,” Thomas, the 85-year-old goose who resides along the waterfront, said. “I haven’t seen him this angry before. I’m worried what lengths he’s going to go to for those legs. That head sure is determined.”

For years, Washington’s head rested on campus, gazing forward as WC students, staff, and faculty members pass by. According to Culvarious Smith, an on-campus historian, while the head did have a few disputes with students who have slapped his stone face, Washington has remained “calm and composed” despite the circumstances.

“George has been patient with the students. I feel like he is slowly beginning to realize that he may spend eternity on that platform,” Smith said. “The other day he pulled me aside and told me that he could feel it this time, he just knew he was going to find those legs.”

Considering himself “George’s companion,” Smith is turning to the community for help.

“All I’m asking is for the students to be more aware of their surroundings on campus,” Smith said. “It just takes one person to spot those stone legs. I’ve checked storage countless times. They must be somewhere.”

“I really hope they find the other half of his body, he’s a really nice guy,” Sally the Goose, wife of Thomas, said.

She said that she and Thomas have been friends with George’s head for over a decade.

“At first, he enjoyed his time in the college environment. But now he’s just so bored, tired of seeing the same thing every day,” Sally said. “Thomas and I try to entertain him with our goose dances, but he’s seen all of them multiple times. I can slowly start to see his stone smile fade.”

Sally and Thomas have performed the legendary flock dance on campus — a common dance among the goose population — for three years for George’s head. According to Thomas, “it used to bring him great joy.”

“After we performed the dance, I would grab some coffee from Java and we would sit out in the courtyard and discuss history,” Thomas said. “It sucks because we only do the same thing over and over. It’s kind of driving him crazy.”

“I have been looking for those legs for quite some time. I worry that George doesn’t think we’re trying, but we really are, me and all the geese,” Smith said.

Since Feb. 1, Smith has conducted widespread searches for the stone legs all over the community. Unfortunately, he has been unable to gather any further leads regarding the location of his limbs.

Washington’s head declined to comment due to scheduling conflicts. His companions, Sally, Thomas, and Smith, all encourage students to keep a look out for two stone legs dressed in brown trousers. With half of his body back, Washington would be six feet tall once again.

“If he gets half his body back, he hopes to run for president in 2024,” Smith said. “After that, who knows?”

Photo by Striking Snaps

Featured Photo Caption: Years of living without the rest of his body has left Washington College effigy George Washington’s head extremely angry.

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