By J. Jonah Jameson
Editor-in-Chief of the Daily Bugle
Recent sightings over the past few months reported a new feathered vigilante on the Washington College campus, risen straight from the sludge
s of the Chester River.
This so-called “hero” took the campus by storm by the alias, Goose-Man. He has slowly but surely goaded WC students into blind adoration with his oh-so-tragic origin story, a tale of woe featuring a radioactive goose, an untimely bite, and a sudden ability to honk and flap short distances — you know the deal.
The new vigilante certainly made his presence known during his time in Chestertown, with his feather-coated spandex and penchant for stealing greens from the dining hall without so much as an ID swipe. What disrespect for the d-hall workers, what lack of consideration for general health codes and allergies!
Aside from dropping feathers in the halls of every building on campus, the “Goose-Man” finagled his way into winning the hearts of students with his defeat of Kevin, a sentient, symbiotic creature born of the mold from the campus dorms.
Freshman Zachary Osucha, whose dorm was ground zero for the villain’s birthing, is naively grateful for the vigilante’s help.
“He’s really doing the jobs of the administration for them. I mean, without Goose-Man, my entire mind would have been overtaken by Kevin,” Osucha said after the alien-like being was separated from his body and conscious. A haunted look crossed his face. “I think I would have died.”
Well, this reporter calls his over-exaggerated bluff! Clearly Goose-Man has gained a circle of sycophants within only a few weeks of his arrival. In fact, multiple organizations have already sprung up in response to the newfound “goose craze” that is sweeping the school.
According to a statement from the Student Government Association, multiple fan clubs have already been shut down due to “erratic support.”
“We must caution WC students to be careful when associating with this masked vigilante,” the campus-wide statement said. “We do not know his identity and there is only so much the administration can do in protecting students from unknown intentions.”
I must say that I agree wholeheartedly with this statement. Only an amateur, uneducated imbecile would interact with the Goose-Man in any manner implying adoration.
“He’s kind of sexy, not gonna lie,” freshman Dominic Rapposelli said. “Goose-Man, if you see this, flap by my room anytime.”
It is clear from student reactions that the vigilante poses a dangerous threat to the norms of our campus — and not just his lack of concern for safety and his hideous costume, but his refusal to share his identity!
No possible hints regarding the man behind the mask have come forward. Many wonder if it’s a student or a faculty member, but this reporter questions whether it’s even a member of the WC community at all.
Junior Jonathan Miranda has his suspicions about who the Goose-Man might be, much like everyone else on campus.
“I think it’s President [Michael] Sosulski himself,” Miranda said. “Man, that would be crazy.”
Miranda also believes that he should have been the one to meet the radioactive goose.
“Kudos to him, but I should’ve gotten bitten,” Miranda said.
After all of this strife, all of this division and chaos that the Goose-Man has caused, is there really a question of hero or menace here? Menace, I say!
Photo by Peter Parker
Featured Photo Caption: That Goose-Menace had the guts to swing and flap around right outside my window! How could anybody call that a heroic deed?