Gus the Goose rage quits, search for campus mascot begins

By Suspicious Fish
Devoted League of Legends Player

Beloved Washington College mascot Gus the Goose reportedly left campus under mysterious circumstances and has not been seen since March, according to on-campus eyewitnesses.

Gus the Goose — full name Augustus T. Goose, the “official spokesgoose of WC” — is a direct descendent of the first goose to befriend College founder and former President of the United States George Washington. He is also one of several members of his family to take on the many responsibilities of being the campus mascot.

According to the WC website, Gus “loves all things WC from sporting events to theater performances, from Birthday Ball to Commencement, from the Literary House to the waterfront.”

Gus was last seen leaving Goldstein Hall on [webbed] foot, and appeared to be in great distress, his wings swinging sadly by his side and his school spirit all but vanished.

“I saw him playing a game on one of the computers in Goldstein earlier. I didn’t want to bother him, he looked really into it,” senior Chester Shorebanks said. “I think it was League of Legends.”

“I was in class in Goldstein this morning and heard some loud honking  coming from the computer lab. Next thing I know, Gus the Goose is in the hallway, and he goes straight out the door. He didn’t even stop to say hi,” sophomore Jill Wrights said.

According to Shorebanks, this isn’t the first time he’s seen the Goose in Goldstein.

“He’s been in the computer lab almost every day this semester, but today something was different,” Shorebanks said. “He just snapped.”

After weeks of playing League of Legends non-stop, Gus the Goose appears to have rage quit due to the stress and anxiety produced by playing the popular multiplayer online battle arena game for extended periods of time. After his 20th straight loss, Gus couldn’t take it anymore.

“This isn’t unusual,” retired Professional Esports Coordinator Yesi Dogame said. “League of Legends is known to have a detrimental emotional effect on some people, and if you don’t take efforts to de-stress, it will destroy you.”

“God, I hate that game. Look at what it’s done to our mascot,” Shorebanks said. “Students need to be warned about this.”

As the search continues, staff, faculty, and students hope for the Goose’s safe return.

“I really hope we find him soon,” Wrights said. “He will be dearly missed in the meantime.”

While the search for WC’s favorite mascot is ongoing, the College campus has no choice but to look toward the future and think about what’s best for the community at this time, according to Dogame.

“The odds of his mental state fully coming back from this are slim,” Dogame said. “We should hope for the best, but I’ve seen this happen before. We need to find Gus the Goose as soon as possible so he can begin the process of healing from this traumatic event.”

While the search for the Goose continues, WC needs a new mascot to keep the community’s spirits high, especially as end-of-semester projects and exams are getting closer. Several long-time WC residents have already offered to take up the important position.

“Don’t worry,” The Mold of Minta Martin said. “We’ve got this covered.”

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