Minta Martin Mold to obtain bachelor’s degree in biochemistry

By Gossip Girlboss
Alleged “Editor”

We all remember committing to Washington College. For many students, college was a logical next step; After many years of growth, it was time to spread ourselves out around the world, visit new places, and make connections with new people.

Long-time Minta Martin Hall resident and incoming freshman The Mold is ready for that stage of its journey.

As a non-traditional student — Mold has far more than the typical 18 years of growth under its belt — its story is one of persistence, endurance, and perseverance.

“I’m absolutely looking forward to spreading my knowledge across campus,” Mold said. “I can’t wait to do those things everyone else does at college, like settling into all the buildings around campus and coming into contact with all kinds of people.”

Mold’s collegiate journey was a challenge to jumpstart. Feeling detested by much of the WC student body and overlooked by administration, it faced many roadblocks on its journey to make the leap from resident to student.

“It can be hard to do me, do it all, do it here under these conditions,” Mold said. “How would you feel if you came to college just for people to gag when they first see you?”

According to another infamous campus resident, Sassafras Hall’s own Dirty Sink-Water, Mold’s progress in becoming an official full-time student is an inspiration to other  long-term campus residents who didn’t think a degree was possible.

“People tend to spend as little time as possible with me,” Sink-Water said. “Maybe if more people can genuinely get to know Mold, they’ll be more willing to welcome those like us into their folds.”

Mold, who is planning on majoring in biochemistry with minors in public health, marketing, and medieval and early modern studies, offered to explain its academic priorities.

“The medieval and early modern studies minor was the easiest call. I’ve been here since Little Billy Shakes was in diapers, so I’m ready and willing to be my own secondary source.”

It says it’s majoring in biochemistry with the goal of someday studying cell mutation and self-cloning.

According to Bill Nye the Science Guy, the mold community is a community of fun guys, and when the vibes are right, they multiply rapidly, making them the perfect Greek Life recruits. Mold’s admission in bio could be just what the College needs to turn their declining enrollment around.

As for public health, Mold is a big believer in the “know thy enemy” principle.

“Look, if doctors and health professionals were saying you needed to be kicked out of your home because you’re a ‘menace to the human body’ and a ‘severe health risk,’ you wouldn’t be too fond of them either,” Mold said. “I’m just glad no one with any power at WC listens to that slander.”

The marketing minor was equally important for Mold, who hopes to improve its image around campus. 

“I don’t want to feel like I’m at war with the students who live with me in Minta. Let’s make this goose nation a truce nation.”

Photo by Striking Snaps

Featured Photo Caption: After residing in Washington College’s Minta Martin dormitory for several years, Mold is preparing itself for the transition to student life.

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