Paintball battle leaves campus in ruin

By Annie Edison  
Reporter for the Greendale Gazette Journal Mirror  

On Friday, April 1 at 1 p.m., the Student Events Board held a friendly paintball competition on the Campus Green, not knowing it would devolved into “Community” esque full chaos. 

SEB Member senior Dean Pelton was in tears after being pelted with paintballs. 

“I’m not even playing the game,” he said. “I don’t know how it got so out of hand, I just wanted to plan something new and fun for the campus.” 

The reason why the competition got so out of hand is apparently due to the announcement of the prize that the sole winner would earn: access to the school’s high-speed Wi-Fi network.  

This Wi-Fi network is only accessible to those deemed by the school as being a high priority, such as President Michael Sosulski and the baseball team. 

According to Pelton, not even professors have access to the Wi-Fi network. 

“I thought it would motivate the students. I didn’t think they would turn on each other, like animals. I guess it was too valuable a prize,” he said.  

Students armed themselves to the teeth with paintball guns and fought over acquiring more ammunition. It wasn’t long before the Campus Green, was no longer Green, but blue, pink, yellow, red, purple, and orange before the wreckage moved to the rest of the campus. 

English majors took to shooting famous literary quotes on the walls throughout William Smith Hall, such as “What, you egg” from William Shakespeare’s “Macbeth,” while studio art majors took the time to put up some new work in Kohl Gallery.  

Photographer junior Britta Perry was unable to capture the sight of the battle in action, as her camera lens was shot out by a rogue paintball sniper before she, too, was quickly taken out by a paintball to the side.  

Members of the student body were quick to band together in groups. 

“Look, we all know how this is going to end. Only one of us can win, but if we stick in teams, we have a better chance of making it closer to getting the prize,” sophomore Quendra Spears said before getting hit with a pink paintball. 

Most student organizations banded together. Members of WACappella took to hiding in the treetops and lured students in with renditions of popular songs. They were able to take out the entirety of Phi Delta Theta by singing “Hotel Room Service” by Pitbull. 

The cast, crew, and design team for the SCE production of “God of Carnage,” truly lived up to its name. 

The team took no prisoners on the battlefield, ruthlessly taking students out left and right. The cast members even used the paintball battle as an opportunity to run their lines before the show opened at 7 p.m. that night. 

Many students were so engrossed in the game that it was difficult to acquire interviews. Every interview had to be conducted at paintball gunpoint. 

“Please I don’t know anything about this game I’ve just been hiding the whole time,” junior Garrett Lambert said, right before I took him out. 

Threatening and then removing your sources from the battle with a paintball to the face may not exactly be ethical, but when the prize was announced, all cards were thrown out the window. This wasn’t a game, it was paintball, and with assignments due, an article to write, and a new season of “Bridgerton” to stream, I did what I had to do. 

I took people out left and right before Gus the Goose appeared with an automated paintball rifle to take out the rest of the remaining players, myself included.  

Nobody knows who donned the Gus get-up to take the students out and win the prize, and Pelton refused to tell me to ensure the safety of the Wi-Fi password. 

The paintball battle lasted almost 24 hours, with the campus still dripping paint the following day.  

“You know it was crazy, it was unhinged, but it really helped me get some of my anger out, ya know? Screw May Day, let’s shoot each other with paint every year instead,” freshman Benjamin Chang said before he took off running around the campus, still naked and covered in paint. 

  Win or lose, students seem to regard the battle as a good time, but the janitorial staff views things differently. 

“Interview? Does it look like I have time for an interview? I’m trying to scrub paint off the damn ceiling,” Tired Janitor Jerry Minor said. 

Any students with free time are encouraged to help with the janitorial staff’s effort to clean up the campus. 

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