WC student-athletes required to sign new Student-Athlete Handbook in blood

By Upton O’Goode
Security Guard at The National History Museum

Washington College student-athletes can expect to see changes in the Student Athlete Handbook regarding their commitments as Shoreman and Shorewomen at the start of the 2022-23 academic school year. All current and incoming student-athletes will be required to sign the updated handbook and all accompanying forms in blood to be eligible to play. 

In the remodeled Handbook, all athletes are expected to represent their teams and the College daily by following a new rigid student-athlete dress code. 

Athletes will be required to wear at least one article of clothing with the College logo or their team affiliation every day they are on campus. If athletes live on campus, they will also be required to sleep in WC apparel. 

If the College logo is not visible on their outfit, athletes will be subject to a single warning before being fined for dress code violations. Fines will begin at $50 and increase $25 after each recurring violation.

In addition to wearing the College logo on their clothes, athletes are no longer allowed to wear jeans on campus. The athletic department decided that jeans do not fit the aesthetic of the collegiate student-athlete and will be prohibited moving forward. Athletes will be expected to put maximum effort into maintaining an athletic sense of fashion, so they can be easily identified by athletic staff and peers. 

WC student-athletes will also be required to move around campus in groups of five or more athletes. The athletic department decided that walking together as a flock will establish dominance around campus while creating a strong bond between athletes of the same or different teams. 

The athletic department strongly urges, but does not require, that student-athletes walk side-by-side in their groups in complete unison to further increase the effect of superiority.

Another minor adjustment in the new Handbook will oblige athletes interact solely with fellow student-athletes and WC athletic staff members. Similar to the group-walking rule, the athletic department explained that this will bring WC athletes closer together. 

The only exceptions to this rule will be during classes, in which athletes may talk to professors and non-athletes. Conversation topics will be strictly limited to academics or encouragements from the student-athlete to the non-athletic regular person to join a WC athletic team.

To ensure that all rules, regulations, and restrictions are followed by WC athletes, the campus will be closely monitored with hidden cameras and recording devices. WC athletic department staff will also be expected to enforce the new Handbook and consistently remind athletes the importance of having pride in the College and being a student-athlete. 

WC student-athletes will also be only referred to as “geese” or a “goose”; the terms “Shoremen” and “Shorewomen” will be expunged. The entire WC athletic department, with the inclusion of all staff and student-athletes, will be referred to as “The Flock.”  

Student-athletes will also be fined if they use the incorrect terms to describe a member of The Flock. Fines will also be $50 for an offense after a warning and have $25 added for each violation after. 

Lastly, all WC student-athletes will be required to sign their souls to Gus the Goose. This will further ensure that all Handbook regulations are followed by WC athletes. Each athlete must sign their name in blood for the contract to be valid. 

By signing their souls over to Gus the Goose, student-athletes will surrender their hearts, bodies, and minds to The Flock. This will increase WC student-athlete morale, ambition, and commitment to excellence as a goose. 

“Some people say playing a college sport is like being a part of a cult,” Gus said. “At WC, we are not trying to make the experience feel ‘like’ being a part of a cult, we’re trying to actually make it a cult. We are trying to forge a commitment that is so strong and so unique that athletes will be bonded to the College for a lifetime.” 

All money collected from violation fines will be donated to The Michael Phelps Foundation. 

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