By Pee Sharp
Goldstein Porta Potty User
Following the network outages that occurred on the week of March 13, Washington College has signed a contract with a new internet provider, which will take the place of Apogee’s service. This change will be effective starting April 1, and was announced in a joint email from Technology Services and the company.
The new provider, called Five Geese Holding a Cable, is an internet company spanning across the Eastern Shore of Maryland, especially in the waterfowl community. Institutions that they worked with in the past, according to the company website, include the Goose Community Center, the Chestertown Armory, and Salisbury University.
According to Five Geese Holding a Cable technology consultant Honks McGee, the contract with WC has been a goal of the company for several years now.
“I mean, the mascot is a goose. It just makes sense,” said McGee.
According to the company’s website, Five Geese Holding a Cable features an internet connection that “can’t be any worse than yours.”
“I mean, if it says that it can’t get worse, that sounds good to me,” said school mascot Gus the Goose in a public statement. “Besides, my cousin is one of the geese holding up the cable, and I know she will do a good job.”
The service will include a flock of geese that fly over campus holding an internet access cable every two hours, providing the College with at least four hours of steady connection each day. The consistency of the geese will vary depending on the day, weather, and the flock’s mood, according to the company website.
“If I am being honest, I just don’t think this contract is a good idea,” said super senior David Gander. “I mean, the company name says five geese, not an entire flock.”
According to dubious administrator Bethany Waters, loud concerns among the student body about the legitimacy of Five Geese Holding a Cable resulted in the College delaying the switch.
However, because of the relationship between Gus the Goose and the company, the accusations of illegitimacy have shifted to those of nepotism. Signs stating “We don’t want your nepo baby wifi” have appeared all over campus.
“Honestly,” said Waters in a campus-wide email, “We were just willing to try anything at this point. And besides, paying geese was just cheaper than fixing our current systems. It’s got nothing to do with Gus.”
The College is going “all-in” on the shift, according to Waters. Construction efforts are in the process of being shifted from remodeling the Casey Academic Center to creating infrastructure to support Five Geese Holding a Cable’s staff. This includes food, shelter, and a pond to replace the Roy Kirby Jr. Stadium. With these accommodations, the College’s internet connection is slated to be the most stable it has been in years.
“Sure, our service might seem inconsistent,” said McGee, “but give those geese somewhere to live, feed them gourmet food, you’ll have an internet connection where you can turn in at least half of your assignments.”