Blades replace the speed bumps at Western Shore


Alleged “Editor”

In 2022, Washington College received negative feedback from students due to the placement of new, aggressive speed bumps on the Western Shore parking lot. This semester, they addressed these concerns by replacing said speed bumps with blades.

The Morning Wood reporters contacted Director of Blade Implementation and Evil Alternate Reality Twin of President of the College Dr. Sike Mosulski regarding the potential positive impacts of this shift.

“No,” Dr. Mosulski said.

Many students, such as captain of the jousting team senior I.C. Youpee, expressed alarm regarding this change, sparking outrage at the SGA senate meeting on Tuesday, March 28.

“The thing about cars is that they have these, like, tires,” Youpee said. “They’re round. And rubber. And can pop or flatten.”

Youpee, who faced backlash in the fall when he was revealed to be the notorious Chestertown arsonist, protested these alterations by lighting the projector screen of Norman James Theatre on fire.

“Okay,” Dr. Mosulski said.

According to the SGA Minutes, they will be considering options.

“It’s a complicated thing,” SGA Secretary of Subject Avoidance junior Dick E. Normus said. “On one hand, there’s blades. On the other, there’s fire. Bikeshare sheds are coming soon and we need to put water bottle filling stations in all the dorms.”

According to Dr. Mosulski, the College’s administration only learned of the SGA’s existence this year.

“Who?” Dr. Mosulski said. “Student Government Association? We do not like students.”

In the eight days since the placement of the blades, twenty-seven cars have been damaged, prompting mass lawsuits from the student body.

“We do not care,” Dr. Mosulski said.

Public Safety did not respond to The Morning Wood request for comment. Officers were seen throwing spare blades at passing students. This story will absolutely not ever be updated.

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