By Chief Charmin
Professional Defecator
Several times this year, flooding occurred in Louis L. Goldstein Hall as the result of tree roots encroaching on underground sewage pipes, students giving each other swirlies, and professors surreptitiously flushing papers they don’t feel like grading.
More than once, the issue led Buildings and Grounds to restrict access to the academic building for an extended period.
According to freshman Rodrick Heffley, class cancellations usually delight both students and professors, but the issue could no longer be ignored once the leakage became so odorous that he and his band, Löded Diper, could no longer sneak into Goldstein to practice for upcoming gigs.
“We knew we had to do something, so we organized a protest,” Heffley said. “Poop is rad and everything, but we need to be able to jam out in peace.”
In response to the protest organized by Heffley, Washington College administration released a statement—which was posted exclusively on the WC Parents Facebook page—on March 23.
“The College will be diverting funds from the English department’s budget,” the statement said. “This strategic decision is being made because the necessary renovations are quite expensive and because the Goldstien toilets are a resource that students across all departments are known to take advantage of.”
According to the statement, English department faculty will receive a bag of prunes and a pat on the back as compensation for the financial loss.
On March 27, it was announced via carrier pigeon that the College will be investing in a three-story porta-potty, measuring in at 7 feet in length, 5 in width, and 24 in height. This revolutionary structure will be installed on the roof of Goldstein.
According to Roddy St. James, the project’s head engineer, the porta-potty will boast several unique features.
“We’re planning to install windows, so you can enjoy the springtime wafts of manure smell while you’re squatting,” St. James said.
Additionally, the blue liquid that usually sits at the bottom of a portable loo will be maroon in the case of Goldstien’s new toilet. According to St. James, this will help boost faculty morale, increase retention, and miraculously solve the issue of spotty WiFi on campus.
Construction of the porta-potty is projected to be completed by “idk bro,” St. James said.
The College’s innovative solution to the Goldstein sewage concerns is eliciting mixed reactions from students. Some are worried about the aesthetics of such an addition.
“Personally, I just think this porta-potty is going to be such an eyesore,” senior Carol Cottonelle said. “I would love to see it get painted with a mural like the one that’s being worked on in the Goose Nest right now, that would help a lot.”
Others are worried about accessibility. Of course, the proposed stackable units come in just short of the 40 square foot dimensions proposed by the Americans with Disabilities Act.
The College offered no comment on this matter.
“There is a blatant disregard for our safety and comfortability happening here,” freshman Felicity Flush said. “Not only is this thing too small, it’s all the way on the roof. Plus, it’s so tall. I don’t want to be swaying around in the wind up there while I’m trying to take a pee.”
Still others are concerned about the environmental impacts of the facility.
“It seems pretty extravagant. I mean, who knows how much water and energy this will take to maintain,” sophomore Bill Bidet said.
St. James urges students not to worry about this issue. “Never mind that we’re dumping the waste into the Chester River,” he said. “We’re going to be using The Morning Wood as toilet paper, so I’d say this is going to be a pretty environmentally conscious effort.”
This news was announced officially on March 29 via a strange demon that muttered in tongues as it emerged from the basement in the Publications House.
As the project continues to be worked on, students can follow the porta-potty’s Instagram account, @gldspoops_wc, for updates. According to St. James, followers should keep their eyes peeled for a post ranking WC’s “top five stinkiest doo doos” in the months following the facility’s grand opening.
Photo courtesy of the business department
Photo Caption: Poopy time at Goldstein, firing time in the English department. Good luck with that pre-1800s course now, seniors.