By The Wolf
Of Wall Street
The Marvel Cinematic Universe officially ran out of money, according to parent company Walt Disney. With recent movies underperforming to the point of “hemorrhaging money,” Disney decided to end the franchise this year.
“We all really thought: real shrinking technology. What could possibly be a better investment in advertising for an Ant-Man movie,” outgoing head of Visual Effects Victoria Alonso said. “I guess spending billions of dollars on actually making Paul Rudd tiny is a waste of time if everyone just assumes it’s done with CGI like normal.”
While some Disney executives are reportedly concerned about rampant overspending — the studio also invested in interdimensional travel research ahead of production on “Dr Strange in the Multiverse of Madness” last year — reports indicate that the blame may lay elsewhere.
When director Martin Scorsese famously decried Marvel movies as “not cinema” in 2019, he may have kicked off the beginning of the end for the company.
“It didn’t happen all at once,” Marvel boss Kevin Feige said while openly weeping. “We made some good TV shows. People liked ‘WandaVision.’ You liked ‘WandaVision,’ right? And we thought — maybe it’s okay that we’re not cinema. It was the pandemic. Nobody could even go to cinemas. We could be TV instead.”
However, the MCU’s output when audiences returned to theaters was catastrophic.
“Eternals” grossed just $164.9 million, losing the studio a countless amount of money. The Harry Styles cameo, added to the movie after it had already been out for a week in an attempt to boost ticket sales, then added an additional $50 million to the budget.
“I wouldn’t do it for any less,” Styles said at the time. “Joining a franchise is a big time commitment, and I need to compensate my fans for every minute I’m not working on the next ‘Watermelon Sugar.’ I’m sure I’ll be in at least five more of these.”
Styles also hinted, but would not openly state for the record, that a certain director of “Goodfellas” had advised him to ask for that amount.
While most projects were losing money, two of Marvel’s only recent financial success stories, “Spider-Man: No Way Home” and “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever,” should have been saving graces. The reality, however, looked a little different.
“Sony took all our Spider-Man money,” Feige said. “Amy [Pascal, producer and former Sony Pictures Chairwoman] just walked into my office, grabbed my phone, and Venmoed them all $1.922 billion. I froze, couldn’t do anything to stop them. I was just thinking: ‘this is what Martin Scorsese meant. If my movies were cinema, I would have put a passcode on my phone.’”
The studio may also be facing legal trouble.
“I didn’t grow back all the way,” actor Paul Rudd said in an interview this week. “I used to be 178 centimetres tall, a perfect 5’10. Now? 175.3. That’s 5’9. Do you know how many casting directors will throw out a headshot without a second thought if the guy isn’t at least 5’10? They’ve filed for bankruptcy just so I can’t sue them for millions, I know it.”
Actor Chris Hemsworth may also be pursuing legal action against the studio, for not doing more to stop “Thor: Love and Thunder.”
“I hope Martin Scorsese is happy,” actor Mark Ruffalo, who played Bruce Banner/The Hulk across no solo movies, said on Twitter following the announcement. “Now the world will never know my character’s son, who showed up right at the end of ‘She-Hulk’. That’s the real tragedy here.”
“Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3,” now the last entry in the MCU, will be released as planned on May 5. Director James Gunn, co-CEO of DC Studios and chief investor in Martin Scorsese’s next passion project, has declined to comment.
Credit: Photo by beep boop beep boop beep boop
Caption: “I am inevitable,” Martin Scorcese said after the news broke. Kevin Feige, who was on hand to provide information about the company’s bankruptcy, cried because he will never achieve Scorcese’s swag.