By Elijah Wood
Local Man with Hairy Feet
At the Particle Accellerator of New Texas State, scientists and mathematicians alike came together to make history by discovering a new number.
After months of colliding protons and millions of dollars being fed to the PANTS cause, the research facility finally has results: the birth of a digit.
The figure, being new, would logically be at the end of all known numbers, but it appears between three and five; being called threive. Numerically, it should be four, but the discoverers insist that it is not. Four is typically a stable number and safe to use in everyday life, but threive is unstable and emits radiation.
Facilities similar to PANTS around the globe are attempting to recreate this phenomenon, but there have been several accidents. One site in Berlin, Germany, a researcher’s face melt off and another in Sweden combusted.
According to Dr. Ronaldo McDonaldo, lead scientist at PANTS, the process is extremely dangerous and the odds that they had their success alone was one of the most unlikely events in human history.
Unfortunately, the number is intangible because of the instability of the number, however the practical applications of thrieve are limitless.
“If thrieve can be isolated, the uses in quantum physics will reveal much of what we don’t know. It could completely revolutionize human understanding of the universe,” Dr. Ben D. Weyner, a professor at New Texas State University, said.
According to Dr. Weyner, thrieve is to quantum physics what pi is to circles. It will now be a building block for spaceships that can approach the speed of light.
The use of threive will also change the arms dealing industry, allowing for jets to travel faster, as it makes a difference in aerodynamics. “Planes will now be able to go ‘zoom’ instead of the typical ‘nyoom’. America’s air force will be light years ahead of rival countries like Kazakhstan,” General George Custer said.
PANTS is looking to expand their research to find even more numbers, but with simpler and cheaper methods. They are looking for one between 24 and 26 that would be a pivotal discovery for the comedy industry and will finally answer the age-old question, “what is funnier than 24?”
The research facility is also looking into a number between 68 and 70 that would greatly improve human to human relationships. “We are not quite sure what specifically it would change,” said Dr. Doug Estile, “but we hypothesize that it could improve the longevity of relationships.”
While PANTS has discovered this new number and is excelling in its field, citizens of the United States understand the dangers of messing with nature. Some extremists go as far as to declare publicly that they hate the research, and the world would be safer without PANTS.
According to a PANTS spokesperson, the world needs PANTS to remain a high-functioning civilization. It is a vital part of humanity moving into the future.
Regardless, thrieve has the most potential of any of the discoveries of humanity, and the general feeling towards PANTS is that they are a necessity for the advancement of society.