The big reveal: Dr. Sosulski is seven Busters in a trench coat

By Jane Eyre

Crazy Bitch

Those on Washington College’s campus have recently noted the strange behavior of President of the College Dr. Mike Sosulski.

“I saw him on the Cater Walk the other day,” junior Mackenzie Ford said. “He was just acting really weird, like I swear I saw him running around stick in his mouth.”

 According to Ford, President Sosulski ran up and down the Cater Walk for at least 15 minutes before she saw him bound over to the Campus Green and sniff the statue of George Washington.

With such strange tales coming from students, faculty, and staff, President Sosulski put all the matters to rest. 

According to the President, he is not the one responsible for the strange behaviors rather his beloved dog Buster and his six clones are.

“It shouldn’t surprise anybody that that Buster has organized some kind of a plot to impersonate me. He’s been trying to take over everything in the house for as long as we’ve had it,” he said.

While Buster’s mastery over the cloning process is still a mystery, President Sosulski said that Buster is a jack russell terrier, which according to him are among some of the most agile and nimble dogs, accounting for Buster and his clone’s ability to impersonate a human being. “They’re like the acrobats of the dog world.”

According to President Sosulski,  being the President of WC is tough work, and sometimes he just needs a day off.

“On days when I feel like I need a break, if I give him enough treats then he’ll get the other Busters together and they will just sort of run through my day in my stead kind of like a stunt-double,” he said. 

It may be hard for those on campus to tell the Buster impersonators apart from the real thing due to his convincing “Scooby-Doo esque” President Sosulski mask, but he has some advice for how people can differentiate the two.

“I’m trained as a German literature scholar. So, if you really want to put Buster to the test, ask him a question about 18th century German literature. He won’t be able to answer it. First of all because he can’t read, second because he doesn’t speak German.”

Since the typical person has about zero knowledge of 18th century German literature, one can also contact junior Abigail Collins for assistance.

“Abigail’s kind of like the Buster Whisperer,” President Sosulski said. “Buster was never better behaved than when Abigail was looking after after him.”

Collins is Buster’s dog sitter and has looked after him many times.

“If he’s loose on campus, you think we should call Abby and like Abby will be able to come set things straight.”

According to Collins, in order to keep Buster in line, she gives him his favorite beef jerky treats with peanut butter and gives him his walks.

“We walk all the way down to the boat house and back and that calms him down and then he goes back home. He makes sure to mark his territory all the way back,” Collins said.

Buster is quite a handful, according to Collins, who ranks Buster as a seven out of ten on the menace scale.

“He ate some of my clothing when I was pet sitting him,” Collins said. “I love that dog, but he just has a little bit too much energy for such a tiny little dude.”

As for why Buster takes that boundless energy to the Washington College campus, Collins has a theory. 

“It’s all for shits and gigs. I think he gets a little power trip out of it. He gets he fools everyone on campus. You know, they wouldn’t even know it’s seven Busters in a suit.”

In case of a Buster sighting, people should stay in place and wait for Collins arrival to avoid having any of their clothes eaten. 

Photo by Eighth Buster

Photo Caption Buster Buster Buster Buster Buster Buster Buster… Michael?!?!?!?!

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