By Definitely not Paul E. Titsworth
Not the former President of WC
This past week brought extreme controversy on campus as all previous Washington College presidents compete for the title. Since 1782, the College has seen over 30 presidents, yet only seven remain alive today.
Traditionally appointed by the Board of Visitors and Governors, this year’s candidate pool favors the second president, Colin Ferguson, and Richard W. Ringgold, the school’s longest-serving president.
According to Ferguson supporters, his reign won’t be tainted by the egotistic ways of man because he did not found the college and he is “too dead to care.”
Additionally, according to sophomore Stevie Lyles, his lack of knowledge of modern technology and traditional mindset influenced by the wars surrounding the birth of America makes him the ideal candidate to “have a heart attack because of the gay energy.”
Ringgold’s supporters largely come from the attention surrounding his name.
“I feel like ‘Richard Ringgold’ is just a funny name,” says sophomore Jai Basu. “It makes him sound like just a silly little guy.”
Other candidates include current President Mike Sosquirrelski, Robert C. Berkeley (who was previously a Confederate quartermaster sergeant), Fredrick G. Livingood (previous Dean and professor of Education at WC), and Paul E. Titsworth (who has no notable accomplishments or claims to fame, but is generally considered a “bad nut” by students on campus).
These candidates will compete for the title of president through an intense game of “Get down Mr. President!” a game that originated in the early 2010s.
According to Urban Dictionary, “Get down Mr. President!” is “a very fun game that may or may not end in someone being injured.”
The game begins with a group of friends, one of which sticks their finger in their ear to signal the start of the game. Others notice this action and copy it, resulting in a group of individuals with their fingers unironically in their ears. The last person to put their finger in their ear, or the person who remains oblivious, is then tackled to the ground by the rest of the group as they yell “Get down, Mr. President!”
This event will occur on Monday, April 1st, as the group trails unsuspecting students and faculty across campus.
“I’m excited to see a bunch of old white guys playing tackle all day,” Lyles said.
Modified for the college’s purposes, the game will result in the elimination of each tackled individual until the final four candidates remain. They will then engage in a round of “Are you smarter than a 5th grader?” hosted in the Egg.
Extreme controversy over this second part of the competition has arisen, with the argument that none of the candidates is actually “smarter than a 5th grader.”
“They didn’t have educational schooling back then,” says Basu. “Schools were just factory training for children.”
On the other hand, senior Matt Brader argues that the candidates are so old that they likely don’t remember the 5th grade.
The events of the day will be recorded and streamed on the Washington College website the day of, so students and squirrels across campus can enjoy the competition from the comfort of their own abodes.
Photo courtesy of campus squirrels
Photo Caption: President Mike Sosquirrelski is pictured searching for more acorns to fill his pockets during the game of “Get down, Mr. President!”