By Poopy
Bowel Inspector
A recent report from Maryland’s Department of Health confirmed what many Washington College students have speculated for years: that our own dining hall food is laced with traces of laxative medication.
While the details of the specific brand have not been confirmed, the common effects — prevention of constipation and extreme diarrhea — are definitively present.
The report’s release was precipitated by a cryptic campus-wide email.
“Big news coming about the dining hall. As a past staffer, you’ll want to be ready for this one,” the anonymous whistleblower said a few days prior.
Immediately, wild speculation and questions began circulating around the campus community, from the hiring of a new provider to guesses more in line with the truth. Some students like sophomore Kaitlyn Murphy did not believe that it would be anything serious, seeing as how she had not experienced symptoms herself.
“Laxatives are not something students signed up for, so I think they’d really be upset,” Murphy said. “I think I would immediately throw up.”
But Murphy’s worst nightmare came true the morning of March 24, 2024 when the Department of Health forwarded a report concerning suspicious materials found in Hodson Dining Hall’s food items. It came as a follow-up to consistent complaints from parents about the quality of their childrens’ nutrition.
“While our initial results are certainly conclusive in some areas, there is substantial research that still needs to be conducted,” the report said. “An audit will certainly be forthcoming in the next few weeks.”
Campus-wide, the announcement created sentiments of hurt and betrayal, but also a notable lack of surprise. Senior Rodger Ecker and his fellow Phi Delta Theta fraternity members had already noticed a distinct change in the taste of their food this semester, tying into other issues.
“Plumbing in Cecil had to be redone multiple times,” Ecker said. “The brothers of Phi Delta Theta are very upset. [Soon] the women’s bathroom won’t be the only bathroom that’s overflowing in d-hall.”
Similar complaints were pouring into the Office of Buildings and Grounds at an alarming rate.
Their work-order requests this year broke previous records, with at least 66.9 requests coming in per student on average.
Anger at the situation is beginning to translate into action in students’ minds, some of which could constitute revenge.
“I had the ice cream from the ice cream machine and I had to go to the hospital for a week to cure my crippling diarrhea,” junior Andrey Perez said. “I’m gonna break the ice cream machine in the coming weeks.”
Others, like sophomore Joey Bond, hope to take legal action.
“One time I had a glass of milk from D-Hall and I had liquid shits for three weeks,” Bond said.
“I’ll be contacting my lawyer.”
The potential legal ramifications of this situation are a great concern to the administration, who seem to be frantically balancing their damage control with multiple squirrel-related diarrhea scandals. No official comment has yet been released outside of signs and tape now blocking off the entrance to the dining hall.
According to the hastily-made posters written in sharpie, in the meantime, students should be reimbursed for any purchases they make at outside restaurants in town. The lack of specificity resulted in a wave of students cramming into the Kitchen and Watershed for every meal.
Chestertown’s restaurants are not the only parties to have benefited from this situation. Senior Jordan Fairchild and her suite became Poo-Pourri’s number one customers in this past academic year.
“I just signed an NIL agreement to be a sponsor with Poo-Pourri after we’ve gone through, like, ten bottles this season as a team,” Fairchild said.
Her teammate, senior Sylvia Johnson, became a brand spokeswoman for baby wipes, but continues to simultaneously support her team’s sponsorship.
“We have an actual Poo-Pourri dispenser in our locker room,” Johnson said.
As the incoming audit and further investigations loom on the horizon, questions are left up in the air of what will come of the College’s dining hall and what restitutions affected students may receive. The matter of what person or group within WC approved the laxatives is another rising concern.
Some students, like Fairchild, just want to continue on as before; either because they have found benefits from it — “they’re making us money with our Poo-Pourri sponsorship,” Fairchild insisted — or because our stomachs have grown accustomed to it. Who knows what withdrawal we would experience if we stopped eating the dining hall food now?