By Duncan D’Onuts
Dear editor:
Look, I’ll start here: Starbucks is a millennial chain. The days of pumpkin spice lattes with Ugg boots and a sepia filter are behind us. Gen Z is all about the Target run, and that’s exactly what we need.
You might be wondering how a Target would fit in the space. The answer is clear. Nobody even likes half of that stuff.
Do we need bathrooms inside? No. Pee your pants.
Do we need the baby necessities section? No. No one’s seen a baby in years.
Do we need the checkout area? No. Steal.
A micro Target will allow us to do away with all the useless pieces of that shopping experience and focus on what really matters: useless $5 seasonal decor, eyeshadow palettes we’ll use once then let expire on the shelf, oddly specific food items, books one would otherwise find only at an airport, clothes that will be out of style in two months maximum, and music made exclusively by Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo, or BTS. This is what the people want. This is what the people need.
Starbucks is a vessel for evil. Its drinks contain spite. Its logo is a symbol of the Unholy One. Its CEO allegedly has Elon Musk added on Snapchat.
Target, meanwhile, delivers hope to communities. Where else does one go for a quick grocery run to become an hours-long excursion that damages one’s relationship with their bank and causes everyone to question their perception of reality? How else can we expect students to become financially literate if not with the constant daily threat of spending another random $40 on a whim because “it’s been a hard day. I deserve a Target run?”
Target is the future.
For Chestertown.
For Washington College.
For all.