By Josh Gates*: part-time ghost hunter, full-time opinionator
*not Sophia Lennox
It is unfortunate how many businesses in the Kent Plaza Shopping Center are abandoned, seeing as that is an incredible location within reach of both Washington College students and Chestertown residents. I have been disappointed in the lack of attention and productive conversation about this issue and have decided to take it upon myself to improve our collective quality of life through an actionable plan to revitalize the shopping center. After much consideration, I came to the conclusion that the best way to fill the abandoned businesses is to dedicate each slot to serving a unique pizza niche.
We all know of the Cat Colloquium downtown, and the good work that they do with their feline residents. However, they are not fulfilling the town’s desires for interactive animal experiences. According to the WC Admissions Office’s spring break Instagram post, and the Squirrels of WC Instagram account, students are increasingly interested in the squirrels’ presence on their campus. Using a spin on the cat cafe business model, this would be win-win-win solution that combines student’s interest in squirrels, helping the squirrel population by dedicating a space to care for them, and the convenience and attraction of pizza. This business will offer both pizza for humans, and novelty nut pizza for squirrels that humans can purchase to bring to their home squirrels. Community members can destress from work or school by coming to the shop to pet and feed the residential squirrels, and get a convenient meal.
A major problem to our town’s peace of mind has been the extreme dietary requirements of the exceedingly difficult WC senior, Sophia Lennox. Since she came here, her allergies have proven problematic not only for dining hall staff, but for any organization, group, or class that decides (or is required) to invite her to a function that includes food. She has become a nuisance to Chestertown restaurants by asking for all sorts of modifications. It seems that she cannot have anything. Therefore, one of the pizza shops should cater to her niche allergies.
Not only would that make it easier for event organizers to have somewhere to get her food without the hassle of interacting with her, but it would also save the headaches caused by her constant, scathing emails about food accessibility, and exorbitant requests for accommodations.
Potentially, an increase in late night business activity in conjunction with the new pizza shops might cause anxiety for the avid participants of the nightly truck meet ups in the plaza. These meetups utilize the empty parking spaces to host their gatherings, so they might feel displaced if the lot is suddenly full and there are more people around. However, to preemptively address their concerns, one of the pizza shops should be dedicated to catering to their unique culture. This shop would have a dedicated reward system to encourage continued pizza purchases, such as zyn pouches, cowgirl hats, and pit vipers.
These are just three of the business ideas in the proposal. Others include an interactive “is it pizza or is it cake?” live experience, and a bingo themed pizza store to fulfill the strong desire for bingo caused by the sudden discontinuation of Student Event Board’s monthly series. My hope is that this letter encourages the good readers of The Nut to support my campaign in enriching our community through pizza.
The enjoyment of pizza is universal, and I believe that by having different stores that cater to the specific desires of both students and community members would lead to an increase in business participation and overall success of the town.
Sincerely, Josh Gates: Part-time ghost hunter, full-time opinionator