By [REDACTED]
Alleged “Editor”
“Women’s stories matter. They just matter,” Reese Witherspoon once said.
We at The Nut unequivocally disagree.
Washington College recently invited students to the “Women’s Stories Matter” panel, to be held at 7:15 a.m. in the basement of the Rose O’Neill Literary House. The panel will feature guest speakers dance teacher Abby Lee Miller, musician Azealia Banks, internet personality Trisha Paytas, and Vice President Kamala Harris. WC must cancel this panel or risk untold horrors previously only witnessed by students who dared to use the Goldstein Hall bathrooms in the spring of 2023.
Let us break down this lineup, assembled by an anonymous committee of feral, rabid campus squirrels.
According to Buzzfeed’s “9 Things We’ll Totally Miss About Abby Lee Miller Now That She’s Going To Prison,” Miller is “the original HBIC.” This alone is offensive. There can be only one HBIC (Hungover Baddie in Costume) and it will always be Gus the Goose.
“Dingbat, listen,” Miller once said, and this is what we would like WC to do: listen to our opinion in this article.
Moving on to the second featured panelist, we must admit that Banks may, after all, have a story that matters: the Instagram story.
She is known for her brilliant advice posted one text-filled iPhone screen at a time. Taylor Swift herself even once took the advice. When Banks pointed out that Matty Healy would “give [her] scabies,” Swift abandoned Healy for NFL linebacker Travis Kelce.
We would be in a position to eagerly welcome Banks to campus, if it were not for the occasional attention she pays to men, proving her belief that women’s stories are not the only stories that matter.
“@elonmusk You need to contact me. ASAP,” Banks once posted, after claiming to have been “sitting at Elon Musk’s house alone for days.”
Paytas, meanwhile, is passionately against women’s stories herself.
“I did NOT rebirth the Queen of England,” Paytas said last year. This is a blatant denial of the story of her own child, who is too young to confirm whether or not she is indeed the reincarnated Queen Elizabeth II.
Additionally, Paytas once claimed to love only three things: “Jesus, Hello Kitty, and food.” Only one of these things is a woman, so we cannot confirm that she truly believes women’s stories matter. It is important to note that all of Jesus’ apostles were men, and more than 75% of all chefs and head cooks are men. Misogynist, much?
Finally, we are left with Harris. Politically, who cares? No one knows for sure what the vice president’s job is. There is a high likelihood that her sole responsibility is giggling and performing “Wheels on the Bus” mid-stroll.
Though Harris once said she wants young women and girls to know they are “powerful” and their “voice matters,” she also once said, “We did it, Joe. You’re gonna be the next president of the United States.” What she should have said was, “Let’s overthrow the monarchy. The reunification of Ireland is imminent.”
The truth is clear: some women’s stories simply do not matter. The College must cancel this panel, or risk implying that they do.
Photo caption: Abby Lee Miller must know she is NOT welcome on the Washington College campus. #womensstoriesDONTmatter.
Photo courtesy of Christi Lukasiak and Kelly Hyland