By [REDACTED]
Alleged “Editor”
Washington College recently caved and introduced the Washington College Complaint Department in response to student concerns about: bat infestations, inaccessible walkways, poor food quality, raised housing prices, rampant squirrels, broken bathrooms reeking of sewage, broken heating and air conditioning, frequent presence of mold, constant faculty and administrative turnover, and a controversial “Women’s Stories Matter” panel.
The complaint department, however, much like the basement and elevator of the Daniel Z. Gibson Center for the Arts, stinks.
For one thing, it is run entirely by disgraced former administrators.
“No one hates students quite like we do, currently employed as an administrator or not,” one former administrator, kept anonymous due to ongoing civil court disputes with the estate of George Washington, said. “Sorry, did I say hate? Okay, cool, just checking.”
For another thing, the department is also platformed exclusively by Instagram. To submit a complaint, students must wait for the biweekly post of an Instagram question story sticker for a random, unpredictable 24-hour interval each time. Not on Instagram? Sucks! They also might delete it early if they feel like it.
This is, quite frankly, a terrible idea.
First and foremost, Instagram is the wrong venue. Everyone knows YikYak is the place to turn with all opinions, no matter how obnoxious or asinine. Using Instagram instead proves two things: the College does not understand or want to understand its students, and that the 1969 moon landing was fake.
Putting the poor choice of platform aside, the responses to complaints have been disappointing at best.
“I replied to the question sticker to let the department know I found mold in my air conditioner, bathtub, sink, ceiling tiles, and lungs,” senior Bark Buckerberg said. “They responded six weeks later and just said, ‘we faked the moon landing.’”
Buckerberg is not the only student who has faced this lack of resolution. According to freshman Cark Cuckerberg, the response to their report of a bird infestation in Queen Anne’s Hall was simply, “birds aren’t real.”
“I’m scared to report my stolen model airplane,” sophomore Dark Duckerberg said. “I think they might just start talking about Malaysia flight 370, and I just emotionally can’t really handle that right now. I’m still reeling from them telling me climate change isn’t real when I complained about it being too hot in my room last month.”
Furthermore, rumors are circulating that one of the employees of the department is not a disgraced former administrator at all, but is, instead, the reanimated corpse of George Washington himself. This writer endorses that opinion. Why, you ask? Simply turn to the department’s statement of intent, which can be found in the link attached to their bio.
“We the People of the Washington College administration, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and not the student body, do ordain and establish this complaint department,” the statement reads. “Also, Bush did 9/11.”
“It’s kind of ridiculous,” junior Eark Euckerberg said. “George Washington didn’t even write the preamble, and I’m pretty sure Kate Bush lives in England.”
Complaints about the complaint department can be directed to @washcollcomplaintdept on Instagram.
Both photos courtesy of Mark Zuckerberg
Photo caption 1: The complaint department exposed for their stupid responses to student concerns.
Photo caption 2: EXPOSED EXPOSED EXPOSED EXPOSED EXPOSED EXPOSED EXPOSED EXPOSED EXPOSED
