By: Daye Forman
The Elm’s Favorite Gossip Columnist
Fans of the Muppets are on the edge of their seats waiting for any news regarding the newest film in the “Knives Out” saga, which is set to feature an all-Muppet cast. However, recent controversies and mysterious disappearances amongst cast members have grinded production to a complete stop.
The new film, “Pearls Before Swine: A Knives Out Movie” is set to star Beignet Blanc, rising star last seen in Sesame Street’s production of “Forks Out” in which he set out to find his costar Cookie Monster’s lost cookie. Despite his brilliant, innovative performance, Blanc has begun stirring the pot before even stepping on set for “Pearls Before Swine.”
In an interview with NotABC, Blanc said he was “excited about the new film,” noting that the script looked “particularly scrumptious and mysterious.” The detective is most excited to be in a much larger production, telling reports that he’s “relieved to be a part of a real, authentic production.”
When asked if he was worried about upsetting his previous coworkers at Sesame Street, Blanc claimed that he was not concerned with the opinion of daytime television actors.
In other news, reporters are currently hoping Blanc will comment on the rumors regarding the break-in at his Hollywood residence last week. Police reports describe cookie crumbs being found on scene leading in and out of the house, along with various clumps of puppet stuffing. Blanc has not been seen since the break in, but his agent has been assuring fans that he must have left for his home in the Bahamas to dodge the bad press.
Unfortunately, “Pearls Before Swine” has more problems than an ill-mannered movie star. The elegant, beautiful, talented, global superstar Miss Piggy has begun to voice her opposition for the film in its entirety.
Despite previously championing for the film even before a script was written, Miss Piggy has recently been seen on TikTok Live denouncing the film, calling it “derivative nonsensical trash with a cast of B-list nobodies that would never know the taste of true fame.”
Fans are speculating if the sudden change in heart stems from the actress’s failure to secure a part in the film.
The studio claimed that Piggy was too big of a superstar for the production, noting that she would not only outshine her costars, but that her “natural overbearing murderous intent” would either completely give her away as the murderer or mislead the audience. There was talk of her being the victim, but sources say Piggy refused to be a “underpaid, underwhelming cameo,” despite the series’ reputation for having multitudes of flashbacks featuring a still-breathing victim.
In response to the studio, Piggy has also claimed that the title of the film is offensive and hateful due to the language used, to which a studio representative stated that Piggy herself had pitched and aggressively campaigned for the title. Piggy has not made any further comments, and neither has the studio representative, whose family are currently running ads asking for his whereabouts.
The other members of the cast, despite not being nearly as outspoken as their colleague, have not made appearances in public as of late. Fans had suspected that the cast might be on set early to prepare for production, but due to Blanc’s conveniently abrupt vacation with no specified end date, the studio announced that the production has been delayed. Currently, the theories running around Tumblr are focused more on the actors attempting method acting prior to filming to build intrigue, with dedicated accounts tracking the last known locations of the announced cast members.
Fozzie Bear, a later addition to the cast, was last seen exiting The Colosseum at Caesar’s Palace after the last performance of his current Las Vegas comedy special, “A Bearly Acceptable Comedian,” which has maintained an acceptable amount of sleeping patrons for the last few months.
Gonzo the Great noted that Fozzie had not returned any of his messages since the performance in an interview with NotTMZ Magazine. When reports reached out for any further updates, the stunt performer’s PR team released a statement announcing that Gonzo was currently occupied with an extended sleepaway scuba diving trip, and would not be returning for the foreseeable future.
Even Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, hired to compose the movie’s soundtrack, have suddenly announced a tour, completely pulling out of the project. Reporters, when tracking down the band for comment, found themselves at beloved Sesame Street icon Elmo’s outdoor birthday party.
The three-and-a-half-year-old, despite seeming annoyed by the interruption, was willing to comment on drama surrounding the production to paparazzi.
“It’s a shame that the cast is really busy,” Elmo said. “Zoe has been excited about the movie because she believes that Rocco is producing it.” When asked if he was considering how Rocco felt about the problems with the movie, Elmo simply said: “Rocco is a rock. He doesn’t have feelings.” The furry red monster then rushed to dismiss reporters after they had spotted Rocco perched dejectedly in the corner of the yard.
In Elmo’s official statement to the press just two days later, he remarked that it was “a shame that Rocco’s movie is struggling and likely to fail,” and that he hoped “all Sesame Street Muppets would be careful choosing who they wanted to work with in the future.”
The jury is still out on “Pearls Before Swine,” but hopefully the cast will be able to reunite in order to continue the beloved “Knives Out” saga as fans stew in anticipation for a Muppet murder mystery.
Photo Caption: Kermit has a knife! oh my gosh…
Photo by Lady Ella the Small